24 Apr 24 Coyote Jibberish

It’s that same old same old. I got a lot done in these past couple of days, but at the same time felt that I did nothting. I’m sure there’s a paradox named after it, though I wouldn’t know what it’s called.

People are so busy these days. Myself included. Still it all seem very routine. It all seems as though we are all just going through the motions. I’m finding that I’m doing that more and more. Just going through motions.

I worry about boredom. It’s not me being bored. I’m rarely bored when left to my own devices. I worry when other people get bored, in particular, friends. I feel that I’m responsible and I want to remedy their boredom in some way or another. It’s more than a worry when it comes to Kevin. With him, I’m down right terrified. I know several couples who have said that they’ll stay together for as long as it stays interesting. Now they’ve been together for decades at this point. It’s something that they have, that Kevin and I don’t. They have history to keep things interesting. I worry, I’m terrified that Kevin will find me boring at some point, and be done with me.

HA! I guess I just confessed to one of my triggers. Or is it buttons. … Pressure points? … Is it because of some kind of childhood trauma? Maybe? But I do start staring deeper into that rabbit hole when I think that Kevin is bored, and/or bored with me.

12 Apr 24 Coyote Jibberish

It was just a day. …

Same old thoughts, same old things that need doing …

I want to write, but I don’t know what about. My day was just a day…

Nothing really to write about… I write about the same things over and over. …

I’m getting tired of the same things over and over again …

My day was just a day …

18 Mar 24 Coyote Jibberish

Frustrated. Anxious. … I can’t focus … It’s the same old damn complaints. … I feel icky, gross and fat. … I’m fatigued. So tired all the time. Hungry but not wanting to eat because I feel fat. Or eating for the sake of eating. … I’m cold … “Just do the damn thing!”. I keep screaming to myself; “Just do the damn thing!” … Still I just sit and stare aimlessly into the computer screen, scrolling through Facebook watching endless videos of rescued dogs being nursed back to health. … Is it depression? Anxiety maybe? My ADHD? I’m I sick again? Is the cancer back? Why have I not recovered? It’s been 16 months since my last chemo cycle! Why am I so fucking tired all the time! … My ankles hurt. It feels like someone is stabbing them with skewers every time I take a step. Is it gout? Did I break a bone without knowing it, because of the neuropothy? … I look in the mirror and my face is sagging. It looks as if it’s melting off my skull. My hair so thin and frizzy … Sprite hurt her right front paw. Or is it her shoulder that she’s been having trouble with. She’s limping on and off. Do I take her to the vet or wait it out? … How am I going to pay my rent in Jun, July & August … Or even in September … I can’t afford anything … Kevin is coming here at the end of May for 2 wks. I want so much to wine and dine him, so that his first experience of being in Ireland and in Europe is a great one. But I can barely afford the accommodations. … It would be a whole different story if I only lived in a proper place where there was a leaky roof, or creeping black mould. Where the stairs to the bedroom isn’t a glorified ladder. I would save over a thousand euros … He would too … Why is everything right at my figer tips, but still out of reach … It’s cruel …

… Maybe I just miss Kevin …

1 May 2020 = Covid-19 Blitherings Of A Silly Middle Aged Woman

This is a bank holiday weekend, a long weekend, but will anyone notice? Or remember to put their bins out now for pick up on Saturday because the Monday is the bank holiday. …

Today is May Day. We’re suppose to be celebrating fertility, and blossoming flowers, fruits, dancing around a pole with colourful ribbons and stuff… But we’re not for obvious reasons … Not that we would otherwise … A bit sad that we’ve all seem to have forgotten this. Maybe because we were to busy to make time for it. … Now we have the time, but what are we doing? …

I went into town. Mr Bells was open in the Market, after a 6wk close down. That where I get my refills on rice, beans, quinoa, etc… I can buy bulk there, and my stocks were running low. Got some mince (ground beef) from the Boyling Twins at Best Meats in the Market as well. Also got caught in the rain on the way down, and again on the way back …

The rest of the day and night, I spent trying not to strangle the boyfriend. It wasn’t that he was being mean, or grumpy, or purposely annoying. He was just bored. Being that he burned through Facebook, & YouTube on my computer … Oh yeah … His computer is down. The cable needs replacing. A new one will come in … UGH… A week and a half … My computer doesn’t have his accounts with Spotify and different streaming channels. All his passwords are saved on his computer, and would be more difficult than it is worth to log in to his accounts from my computer. I don’t have flash player on mine so he can’t see most of what he wants to watch … So he is limited to Facebook and YouTube … I guess he can check his email … Back to what I was saying earlier, being that he burned through Facebook & YouTube, now all of a sudden he’s looking to me for entertainment, when all I want to do is flick lint off my shirt in silence.

I know that if I snapped at him or yelled at him, or strangled him it wouldn’t be fair, it’s just the situation that the world is in right now. Normally on a Friday he’d be out and about. He’ll have his lunch in town, meet up with a friend for a chat in a coffee shop. He’d come home for dinner, but I would leave shortly after for band rehearsal, by the time I get home he would be watching the Late Late Show on his own computer, where I can either watch with him, or go off on my own and watch my own shows or do my own things.

Seeing that we are not  doing things apart from each other, we don’t have anything new to talk about  except this damn virus and even there the stories are repeating of what he said or what she said. … Talking for the sake of talking … It’s like junk food, you eat it, gobble it up, and at the moment you’re thinking it’s great, but 10 min later you forgot you ever had it. How many times did I say today, “Yes, you’ve told me that already.” or “You’ve asked me that already” … It’s a classic situation that once again proves, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I understand that for most people, going a whole day in the same house with another person, particularly a partner of some kind, and not saying a word to each other, is odd and is a sign of a troubled relationship. But for me … scheesh … I wouldn’t think anything of it or love him any less. I feel that not only do we all need physical space between us from time to time, but we all need mental space as well. … Don’t know if I’m making any sense or how I can explain it … I don’t know if I want to take the time to explain it, because I’m tired right now, and I trust that if you are reading this that you are all smart enough to know what I’m talking about, and it would be mildly insulting if I rambled on explaining something you already know about… I’m beginning to babble …

So, Leo announce that the restrictions will stay in place with a couple of acceptions. People will be about to travel up to 5km from their homes instead of 2km. And people who are cocooning will be allowed to go outside for exercise as long as they don’t interact with people. The rest will stay in place until 18 May. They will see how we’re all doing to see if we can go to phase 2 of a 5 tier process.

I won’t be able to open my school up on the 19 May, and will need to think of how I can move some of my classes on line. I may not be able to open my school until September. which would mean that I would have to practically start from scratch … again…

There are now 20833 confirmed cases and 1265 deaths in Ireland