Sketch Dirty

This was my attempt to “sketch dirty” Ha! I know what you’re thinking & you’re being naughty! 😉

Back in my days of elementary school we actually were graded on our art work! I always got really high marks until the devastating day in 6th grade when Mrs. Krebs brought in an art student from some fancy smancy college to teach us about “art” by sketching our sneakers. I went straight to work meticulously drawing every line of my K-Mart wannabe Addias knockoffs! I even used a ruler and that weird thing that you were suppose to use to draw perfect circles but ending up stabbing the kid in leg that you sat next to for eating your glue… But I digress… When I was done I presented a very pristine pair of my kid sweaty grubby sneakers, with perfectly tied laces and a very articulate shadow to show dimension, the hippy dippy artsy farsty student art teacher, GASPED! At first I thought it be one of shear delight from the glory of my art work! OH! But No! No! No!

“That’s Not right!” She exclaimed! “That’s not what your sneakers look like!”

My nostrils started to flair, not in rage, but in attempts to hold back gushing tears of utter confusion! Of course it looked like my sneakers! I sketched MY sneakers! How can MY sketch of MY sneakers look like anything other than MY SNEAKERS!

In her own desperation to keep this racially ambiguous girl from self distruction, she scrambled off into another classroom and came back with a sketch of 2 fried eggs and some spaghetti. I don’t think I was ever more confused.

“You want it to look more like this…” She said trying to be consoling. “Your’s is to ‘clean’. You want to ‘sketch dirty’…”

I had not a clue of what she was talking about. I was to busy wallowing in self pitty & doubt. She gave me a “D” and Mrs. Krebs still hung it on the wall with the others as a constant reminder of my failed career as a 6th grade artist.

It wasn’t until I was in college when my AWESOME friend Erin was taking an art history class as an elective that I kinda sorta understood what sketching dirty meant… Yeah I looked through her books… Still, I don’t think I’ve even remotely grasped the concept… Yet! 😉

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Karma – Get It Started?

Several weeks ago after working my last double shift on a Sunday at a job I despise, I got called at 3:30 AM! It’s an emergency, she’s sick and needs to go to the hospital can you come in? But I’m already working the evening shift. That would be back to back double shifts with no more than a few hours sleep! But it’s an emergency! I go in, I’m helping out, I tell myself over and over again.

It’s a mad house. Busier than it’s been in a while. I’m so tired and fatigued that I don’t really feel my legs. I have to consciously tell my self, breath in, breath out. So I make myself a cup of tea.

A customer asked me to cash out what I thought was €150. I swore I saw €150 on the machine. I pay him.  I go cash out the machine, but it’s only €50. He swears I only gave him €50. His word against mine. I have to take the hit. I just worked 10hrs for FREE! I have a meltdown, swore up & down that I was going to quit. But found my way safely off the roof. … I was really hating life & everything it encompasses.

A few days later, I was on my way to the job I hate, cursing every moment. As I approached the bus stop in front of the Costigan’s on Washington St. there was an old man dressed in all black with a black backpack walking along and just fell over. He was trying to get up, pulling on the partition post out side the pub to get him self up, but he just didn’t have the strength.

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When I got over to him I asked if he was OK. He said that he just needed to get on his feet. When I helped up you can tell he had a few. He held on to the partion post but his swaying was more than the post can manage. I held on to him and looked for something for him to sit down on. There were chairs out side the pub but I couldn’t hold him up and get the chair at the same time. There was a group of young men just chatting away not more than 2ft away.

“Excuse me! Excuse me! Can you grab that chair for me so that he can sit down?” One chap turned suddenly & jumped into action once he saw the situation. Then it was as though every person in front of the pub rushed in to help out. Even one of the bar men (I think) came out to help. It was surreal & amazing! Just then my bus came to take me to my crappy job that I despise. I got no hassel when I excused myself. He was being looked after.

I got on the bus. Sat next to an over weight woman alseep and drooling. I put a tissue under her chin so the slobber won’t get on her clothes. I sighed. I hate this job. I hate it! I hate it! I HATE IT! We’re understaffed & overworked. There is a nasty mean co -worker … at least she’s on holiday for 3 months… *sigh*…

I get into town early. Have a coffee at Nosh. Trying to get my head around the next 10hrs of work. … *Breathe In*… I hate this job … *Breath Out*… I still hate this job… Time to go to work…

“Hi” I say to the girl I’m taking over from.

“We have a new girl starting next week.”

“Wait? What? Really? … Part time or full time?”

“Full time. She wants 40hrs.”

My head started to spin! No more double shifts! No more 60+ hr weeks. I can sleep for more than 5 hrs! I can see what life is like during the day! I can go watch a movie! At a theater even! I can cook dinner at home! OMG! I wonder what the live in boyfriend looks like these days!

Needless to say, things got better.  I still hate my job. But with some rest, I have managed to come up with an exit plan. The new girl is working out wonderfully! She is such a delight! Don’t know what’s gonna happen when the nasty mean girl get’s back, but maybe if I can keep up the good Karma, it wouldn’t be so bad when she does.

I have no idea of how Karma works or even if it really exsist. But I guess it needs a kick every once in awhile to get it started in a good direction.

 

Another Irish EuroMillion…

The other day another Irish citizen won I think €175 million!? I was told once some time ago about the luck of the Irish – It’s not always good luck…

Well just like last month when the Irish couple won their EuroMillions, I can’t help but to think what I would do with all that cash! So like last time here is my amended list to my last post about this…

1) All the things in my last post “I Won The Lottery” including spending  a whole day at a comfy coffee cafe with a few of  some kind of hot drink and a window seat to watch the world hussle by.

2) Nurses… They deserve so much more! … So there’s a hospital just off the Western Road here in Cork City. Maybe it considered to be on the Mardyk Road? I heard that it had closed down. I would like to reopen it and have the nurses run it. A nurses hospital if you will. Doctors will be hired in on a case by case basis. Also, part of the hospital will be designated for those doctors & nurses that also have proper degrees and liscenses to practice Eastern medicines like Acupuncture. Not the strip mall accupuncturist, but proper Doctors of Chinese Medicine and so on. AND lers not forget the dulas & midwives! Let’s have another ofbthe hospital for babies to be born…

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3) I’d like to give a cool millon to the Barrack Street Band. Being a recent member, I come ro know how much more they do than performing at Lord Mayor concerts & St. Patricks’ Day Parades. They provide opportunities to learn an instument, play in a band, competitions, etc… to disadvantaged families. They are terribly  underfunded or not funded at all. I really don’t know. But I know they desperately need new unifoms and a copier machine. General band equipment & instuments for people to play.

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3) I’d like to set up a series of science fairs & competions where each team will have to have one 5-7 yr old, one 8-12yr old one teenager, one 20 something & one 30+ year old.  Each team would be given a problem/topic that  all 5 members will have to work on with equal participation. Then when possible the invention, products, processes that come from it will be put into production. I hear about all these amazing inventions & processes that are being created that will save the planet and what not. I’ve been hearing about them for the last 20 years. Such things like chipping  plastic waste, adding them to cement to create a light weight durable bricks for houses. Edible cutlery & plastic bags. But I have not seen any of them for use to the general public.

4) I want to set up a trade school of sorts. A place where people can learn how to be self sufficent. Like how to cook a meal from actual food and not a packaged product that you just add water and heat in the microwave. Or build a shelf or even a shed. Or change a light fixture. Or make your own clothes. Or basic car maintenance.

5) I’d like to fund or set up something or have a campaign to have dogs & cat spayed or nuetured. Let’s say for the next year I’ll pay for all the spay and nueturing. So just bring your cat and or your dogs in to any available vet and have it done for free!

6) OK. Last one for now… I guess Ixd lime to help out the boyfriend’s family.  Let’s say a million to his parents. Then a million to each of his siblings. Of course he gets a million too. Also, I’d like to give a million to my best buddy Laurie as well. She deserves it. Plus I still owe her $500 from when bailed me out of a really tough financial situation. She would never ask for it back. But this would be a great excuse to pay it back with a mollion dollars in interest!

Well, it looks like I’ll go out and by myself a Euro Millions lottery ticket… a quick pick… Maybe a National Lottery one too… anf a Daily Million…

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My Simple Treatment To A Possible Diagnoses

There is no history of cancer in my family. None what so ever. I know you think I’m joking or that I’m going to drop a bomb on this, but seriously, not one case on either side in my family…

… OK … Maybe this is the bomb…

However, nearly every person on my Father side of the family, apart from my Father himself, (… that might be because he has not been tested…) has diabetes & multipal sclerosis… I need to add here that it’s my Fathers generation & older. My cousins, the data is still being collected. Many of them have either/and/or…

My Grandparents generation didn’t take any medication for their diabetes or MS.  Even though some were overweight according to today’s standards, they were active and the food was better. As in they didn’t have much in the way of processed food. Well OK, they had coffee, flour, butter, etc… but that’s the most of it. It was only when they “slowed down” because of age that either the diabetes and/or MS got to them. They all lived into their late 80’s. So you have to wonder if it weren’t  for the disease, would they have live another 10 or even 20 years?

I have diabetes. Type 1. I’m not on any meditations for it or take insulin.  I can manage through diet and exercise. However, in the last several months I’ve had intermittent numbness in my toes, unwarranted joint & muscle pain, brain fog, & extreme fatigue. Now granted, between the 2 jobs I’ve been working anywhere from 60 to 90 hours a week. But I’ve been busting my ass for over 30 years! So why now?

A blood test ruled out everything else. Will need to go in for an MRI & a spinal tap for a proper diagnoses. Then if I do have MS, then there’s medication to treat THE SYMPTOMS…

Just the symptoms…

This got me thinking… If all I can do is treat the symptoms why bother with the MRI & spinal tap? Because they cost money. I’m poor. Living paycheck to paycheck. No insurance. No medical card.

My Grandparents, Great Uncles & Aunts lived with MS & diabetes into their late 80’s without any medications. Dr. Terry Whals ( Google her ) talks a lot about her MS & how she is managing it through diet.  I don’t personally know anyone who has MS and is managing it through diet, but it stands to reason that if my Grandparents generation managed without medication, & reports from an actual doctor with MS manages through diet, that maybe I can do the same? That instead of spending copious amounts of time money on medications & doctor visits, is to spend the time & money on tweaking my diet & lifestyle?

Eat better, live better … Seriously, what can it hurt?

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I Nearly Quit My Job

I nearly quit my job

Another double shift on Sunday 16hrs no breaks,

Scheduled to do a 10hrs on Monday night, but got a call @ 3:30am … AM …

Tired, fatigued, exhausted, back to back double shifts, 32hrs in a 48hr period,

I nearly quit my job

OK, I’ll help out, OK just one more time, OK I’ll help out until there’s more staff,

3 years later…

I nearly quit my job

Tired, fatigued, exhausted… Tired, fatigued, exhausted…

Mistakes, mistakes, mistakes… One costing me €100 …

FUCK! I just worked 10hrs for FUCKIN’ NOTHING! …

I nearly quit my job

The anxiety, chest tight, throat tight, shaking, shaking, can’t breath

Customers panic, are you OK, are you Ok, are you OK…

Dizzy, but still on my feet, calm down, calm down, calm down…

I nearly quit my job

I had it planned.

I’ll finish this shift, & not come in for the next…

I’ll finish this shift, & give 2 weeks notice…

I’ll finish this shift & quit in February before Tet…

I’ll finish this shift & quit when she comes back from holidays …

I’ll finish this shift & quit after I’m back from my holidays …

I’ll finish this shift & …

I nearly quit my job

If you hate it just quit!

If it’s affecting your health just quit!

If management won’t do that, or this just quit!

If it’s taking away from your happiness just quit!

If it’s destroying your relationships just quit!

Just quit! Just Quit! JUST QUIT!

I nearly quit my job

But what about my rent? I live paycheck to paycheck, the rent is going up

But what about my bills? Not that I have many, I’m very frugal, but they keep asking for more

But what about food? I guess I’ll go without

I nearly quit my job

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I Won The Lottery!

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I WON THE LOTTERY! … No I didn’t … It was the  Connolly’s in County Down.  €130 Million Euro … So of course, to help me work through my grief of not winning and knowing at this point in my life the fact that I will ever win anything more than €2 on a scratch ticket, I’m going to tell you what I would have done if I won 130 Million Euro.

  1. Well yeah I’m gonna pay all my bills and pay off all my debt… (€129 Million)
  2. I want to give money to the Cork Life Centre ( https://corklifecentre.org/ ) I was, and maybe still one of those kids. I hated school, esp high school with a passion. I even dropped out for a semester, but was forced back. I worked my ass off to graduate on time. All on my own with no help from anyone that you would normally depend on. Cork Life Centre is grossly underfunded and those kids are well worth every effort (€127 Million)
  3. I’m very detached from my family back in the US, as in we don’t interact. After my “Mother” passed away and I gave up my 40% of  the inheritance to my Brother, he would send a Christmas card with a photo of my Nephew every year now. Regardless of all that has happened. He is family, and my Nephew, isn’t part  of all our drama. I would want my Nephew to get along in life. So I would give him in a trust fund of some sort of a million euro. But he can only take out $50K a year for 20 or so years starting on his 25th birthday (€126 Million)
  4. I want to give money to Cork Penny Dinners. ( http://corkpennydinners.ie/new-about )  I’ve been there. Not having my meals there. I mean I’ve been there where I was so strapped for cash for so long, food became a luxury. Where the only morsels I ate for days were the free samples given out at various grocery stores. If only I had a place where I could sit down and have a decent meal with no questions asked. (€124 Million)
  5. I want to buy the buildings down on the corner of Vicars Road and Poulladuff Road here in Cork City. It’s where there was a furniture store, and before that was a carpet store and a Tile King.  I want to turn it in a recycle, upcycle, re purpose, fix it don’t bin it, learning old trades, do it yourself workshop area. The idea is to have trades people, like electricians , carpenters, etc… there to help you fix your own broken stuff or re purpose your unwanted stuff. For example you might have a chair that your dog chewed through the cushions. You can take the chair in and  not only will someone be there to show you how to reupholster it, but you will have to tools and supplies to do it with. There will also be space for you to do it yourself if you already know how. It will be a where you can learn to spin wool into yarn or have cooking lessons! Where craft groups can get together & be creative. Anything goes really. I would put it all in motion and then donate to Cork Environmental Forum to manage if they want. (http://www.cef.ie/ )  (€115 Million)
  6. This is a big big one. I want to start off by buying 20 houses in Cork City. Fix them up so that they can be rented out to homeless families. Here’s the hitch: Each family would have to agree to participate in this community.  These families all have skills and talents that they can contribute. Maybe one was a legal assistant, another a plumber, another a tailor/seamstress. They would all have to volunteer their skills to the other families in this community. Each house would have a garden to grow their own veggies. Each house would have some sort of renewable energy source and water collection. There will be a doctor, accountant, gardener, electrician, plumber, carpenter that would be on retainer to call into the homes when needed. The families will pay for their own utilities. The rent would be calculated per month as such: €30-€50 property tax, €100 to me, €250 for the trades, €100 invested back into the community to expand. So rent for these families would range from €480-€500 per month. Now that’s only a super duper rough outline. But I would have enough money to give it a go… (€100 Million)

OK… After all that, It will leave me approx €100 Million to still do whatever the hell I want. … I think I will go to one of my favourite coffee shop and get a large Americano with a deep kiss of honey. Sit next to a window and just watch the world go by for the whole day!

Observations Going Into 2019

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Every year my friends, family, co workers, & classmates all are so relieved that the previous year is over and how the new year is going to be  SO AWESOME! We go through the year without changing the way we do or think about anything, and by the end, that year can SUCK IT! And the new year , the new hope will solve all our problems and make us so ridiculous happy! … I’m rather sick of it..

I’m hoping to break this cycle of yearly disappointment. I don’t have a game plan. I really don’t have a clue. But maybe if I make an observation, I can go from there?

… People love watching other people be mean to each other.

The most viewed videos on YouTube are the ones of people yelling, screaming and fighting. I see all those videos posted up on Facebook & Twitter, about how some  guy started a fist fight with another guy over the type of cup their over priced decaffeinated almond milk macha green tea latte came in. People laugh and re-post and make their own banal comments starting cyber fights, posting more videos that are meaner to out do the previous video and more and more people are being become meaner and meaner.  Regardless of all the psychology behind this, or the excuses, or even reasons, people find watching 2 people verbally abusing & beating the crap out of each other over something trivial as entertainment. I first noticed this when that show “Curb Your Enthusiasm” came out in the the early 2000s. (Not to say that it hasn’t been going on for centuries before.) That one woman that was constantly yelling and swearing and abusing everyone, what’s her name? Everyone loved her! I heard/read how people would stop the actress that played her just to hear her yell and swear at them. I found her character rather annoying. I didn’t say that she did, because if I did then I would have been immediately sent to the stocks where everyone would throw rotten slurs at me in hopes to make themselves seem more cultured and in tune to the rhythms of society. People love watch other people being mean to each other. People love being mean. People are mean.

… Along these same lines, people love watching people get hurt… 

Again, with the You Tube, again with the Facebook & Twitter. All the same, but now it’s videos of people taking a chance, being daring, trying something new, but something goes wrong…  They fall off the trampoline and crack their neck, they slide out onto the ice, slip, break their tailbone and fall through the ice, they slip off their skateboard and crush their balls on the stair rails… And heaven forbid you might cringe, or feel bad for the skateboarder that took a chance and crushed his balls! May the social out casting being! And just the same, people post and comment relentlessly more & more brutal and tragic videos trying to out do each other on who is the dominate trend setter. Say nothing about Childish Gambino – This Is America. Have you watched it? Did you get anything from it other than thinking that it was either  rubbish or brilliant? … How far do we need to go before we stop laughing and making fun of people getting hurt and injured?

… I’ll do one more… I have a bunch of other observations in mind, but they may all be how people interact with me particularly. But this one I think a lot of people can relate to… both men and women…

…  Women trying to out bitchy each other…

Now I’m sure I’ll have every woman up in arms about this, every feminist ready to lynch me with how dare yous. I’m a woman. Even though most of my friends are men, I will see this as a woman and this is an observation that I have made numerous times. I don’t know if there is a male version of this. There probably is but I would have no idea how it manifest, because I am not a man….

I don’t know if it’s a diva thing or maybe an inflated sense of entitlement thing or just plain old competition? I don’t know how to even begin to explain it. It comes in many different forms…  One form of it might start with a legitimate complaint about a nasty comment one woman said about another about her clothes but then it spirals down to”…how dare she…”, and “…I would never…”, “… That’s just the way I am, and I’m not changing…” It spirals down into a chaos of bitchy righteous indignation & petty accusations … During this whole bitch fest, there wouldn’t be one comment or thought of the other side, or why. Why was that nasty comment made in the first place? OK, maybe it was because she was a nasty person? OK, why is she so nasty? Well, she’s always been nasty? OK, why is she always so nasty? Well, her whole family died in a car accident when she was in her 20s … Now, how productive was that bitch fest? … Another form would be some woman bitching about how people are not doing things for her and how people are not treating her in the way that she feels that she “deserves”.  The word deserves is use very loosely here… When someone calls her on her bitchiness, then there is another whole tirade of how she’s not being accepted for who she is… And there’s the rub…

I think I will have to write another bitty on this thing about women trying to out bitchy each other ‘coz I can’t put it all into clean concise outlines, sentences, paragraphs … Maybe that’s why nobody really approaches the topic and it just runs rampant like black mould in a damp bathroom.

So, getting back to what I was saying at the beginning… Maybe some of the reasons why flip the bird to the passing year and have such high hope for the new one, is because all we remember from the previous year is mean people arguing, & fighting, adventurous people getting hurt, and women being bitchy divas. It’s no wonder …

More Swill About My New Years Resolutions…

2019… Here we go… Once again I’m making a new years resolution to write… Every year for too many years now I have made glorious  proclamations to write, write more, write this for that, and write that for this… And I have failed for the most part with every declaration. … This time I will more and likely fail again, with numerous half ass’d excuses of why I did, but oh what the hell… I’m gonna do it again!

This time I’m going all out and resolving to write something every day … I’m already a day behind, so I’ll write 2 today and hope no one will notice. I decided to write something every day, even if it’s just swill, because last year I resolved to draw/scketch something every day even if it’s stick figures. And wouldn’t you know, I actually did draw/sketch something for each and every day.  It worked with that, so maybe it will work with this? Plus, there’s that concept that if you put a million monkeys on typewriters … ‘er … computers, that eventual one monkey will write something brilliant.  Maybe I can be that monkey and maybe in 365 days I can have 1 day of brilliance.

 

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My 3rd New Years Resolution 2018 Sucks

I did it again… I made another stupid New Years Resolution to write a blog post once a week and so far I’ve utterly failed. It’s the same tired old story. Life, not enough time, work, brain fog, blah, blah, blah… Now there is a new excuse. I’ve lost it. Not that I ever had it. My outlook and perspective is jaded. My flow altered. My sense of creativity is shot and at best plagiarised.

I’ve gone through my blog posts and most of them are about how I failed at New Years Resolutions. And making New Years Resolutions. Why I made this one again? I don’t know!!! It sucks! I’ve become a ranting over middle aged woman! I have joined the club! Meaning that anything that I write will be no different than any other over middle aged ranting woman…

I’m not able to write anything unique or special. All my trials in life are no more interesting than anybody else.  I’m not computer/internet savoy to navigate through all this Word Press malarkey. I can’t afford upgrades. I don’t have a lot of followers. And many of my “friends” are in their own right writers and story tellers, and by some social construct, that makes them better and their writing more interesting than anything that I can produce… So Fuck It…

I’ll just write. I’ll just write whatever, because it isn’t going to make much of a difference to anyone. I don’t have it in me to reek havoc. So no worries on the accidental bits of enlightenment, inspiration or spiral down evoked in anybody who just might take a gander. Again, I’m just another tired, ranting over middle aged  woman. I’ll do what I know. I’ll rant. And then, like the one monkey out of a million monkeys typing at typewriters… computers… I just might write, rant, something that is worth a read.

Today I quit…

I’ve been struggling with the Ballyphehane Bulletin & Community Noise ….

The Ballyphehane Bulletin was a monthly newsletter that I wrote and published for 2 years. To skim over the politics the funding got cut for what I feel are ridiculous reasons. That was 2 years ago. I thought that I would be able to resurrect it through Facebook. And for 2 years I’ve beating my head against the wall with it. It didn’t help that my commitments moved else where, so I wasn’t as much a part of the community as I was before… More politics… I wanted to create a newsletter and/or place that the people of the community would all participate in. Everyone from grade school to senior citizens. I wanted a place where little Katie down the street would write a story about her dog and it would be published. Or Granpa Jim would tell old war stories. Even Mary on such and such road advertising that she had some extra carrots from her garden for anyone who wanted them. I came so close to that with the publication. For 2 years every month I had people stopping me in the streets asking when the Bulletin was going to be coming out. … So so close before the funding was cut … With 10x more work, it just didn’t carry the same on Facebook…

Community Noise was a radio show that I did for, again 2 years. I started it when the funding for the Ballyphehane Bulletin was cut. There was this opportunity to basically do what I was doing with the Bulletin but on radio with a bigger audience … So I thought … The show quickly turned into a hub for community organizations to let Cork City know what they did and how the community could be involved. Over the 2 years we had over 60 organizations, groups and people come and talk on the show. But again politics, disorganization & miscommunication … My work schedule also got in the way of what is now mandatory training and meetings for volunteers plus a membership fee that had to be paid before we were allowed on air along with the constant accusation that the volunteers were not participating enough. Again, so so close…

Today I quit. It turned me inside out. Both came so close to being Great if only it was given … more time? … more support? … more money? … I don’t know … maybe a better person than me to make it all work. I know that hanging on to them is weighing me down. It’s like the residue of my failing slowly eating away at me. I feel like I just gave up. but I know that this will soon pass especially now that the residue is cleaned. And maybe, just maybe, another opportunity will arise sometime down line when I’m in a better place so that I can give a good whack at it!

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