I Don’t Want To See 50

I almost got hit by a car today … It was my fault … I’m doing it again … Just walking out into traffic not caring …

The woman skidded to a stop about 6 ft away from me. Because she skidded, she was probably going too fast in the first place. Still it was my fault.

She yelled out of her window; “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU!!?!?? DO YOU WANT TO GET KNOCKED DOWN!!?!??”

“YES! YES I DO! WHY DIDN’T YOU DO IT!!?!?? YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE IT!!!” … I screamed back in anger! … She thought I was being sarcastic, and just raced off … I seems like she was having a bad day too. …

I started sobbing on the way home. … She should have run me over! … I don’t want to live this life anymore …

I have rats … They’re not in the house, at least not yet … There’s 2 of them, and they don’t look like your street or sewer rat. I’m certain they are dumbo rats. They’re someone’s pets, and they got out. They scurry across the roof, and they duck and dodge in the hedges. … Ricky, constantly points it out. When I say constantly, … I don’t mind them, as long as they’re not in the house. … But Ricky, … constantly … And that’s only 1 of his many … I had to tell the landlady. … She gave me a bucket of rat poison … I just don’t have it in me to kill those rats … But I looked up what the lethal dosage was for a human …

I’ll be 50 at the end of the month … I know that ‘growing old is a privilege that many don’t have‘. But I want to renounce my privilege. Please give it to someone else with more potential to a happier life than the one I will have to suffer.

50 years, and I can’t remember a time when I was truly happy and hopeful. Or even in love… Well, I have loved, but as the story goes, it was all in vein … I’ve tried to convince myself many times that I was happy and hopeful … ‘Talked the talk, walked the walk’ … It was all an act … 50 years and all I can remember is pain and suffering. Failure after failure after failure … Desperation … Always desperate … Always … Always alone … I don’t want to spend another 20, 30, 40 years doing the same …

I have nothing … I sleep on a futon that’s not even pulled out. I have no connection bond with ‘my’ dog. There’s no room for me in my own house. … The grass won’t grow in my own back garden … I am nothing … I am nothing more than a status enhancer for those on social media … I live in Ireland, it looks good on their profile to have friends living abroad … I was nothing more than a trophy to my exe husbands, and now nothing more than street cred and an item to check on a to do list, with my now live-in exe … Always taking the back seat, to every menial innocuous thing that anybody might be doing. … I am nothing … I will never be nothing more …

From the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep … It’s one complaint after another, one bit of bad news after another, this person is a jerk that person is an ass, one problem after another, your not doing enough, you didn’t do this, when are you going to do that, hurry up, you’re too slow, you’re not good enough … 13 fucking degrees and I will never be good enough …

She will get over it … She’s the only one who’d care … But she will move on …

No one wants to know about me. Not how my mind works, or how I may or may not feel … opinions, thoughts, … Sure they’d ask all the questions, but they never are interested in what I have to say … 13 fucking degrees, and no body is interested …

Dismissed … I’m so easily dismissed … Always being dismissed … Oftentimes in mid sentence …

There’s no talking about it … I’ve written about it so many times to no avail … It’s a trap … They’d take it personally, then I get lectured, criticized, … They will tell me I’m selfish, they’ll scold me begging, why am I doing this to them … Because of course, my depression, my pain, my suffering, is all done on purpose … No one is willing, or maybe they’re not capable … To just listen, regardless of the silence, without passing judgement.

I’m tired of writing this shit … I’m tired of living this life … I don’t want to see 50 … I don’t want to go through another 20, 30, 40 years of this, just to die desperate and alone …

There’s a bucket of rat poison sitting on the table …


1 May – 3 May 2021 = Covid-19 Blitherings Of A Silly Middle Aged Woman

I got this offer to upgrade this wordpress account for only €50 something or other. I hymned and hawed about it. My Best Mate Laurie said that because I get ‘enjoyment and healing’ from this, why not upgrad? … I guess hymned and hawed for too long, because when I finally decided to do it, the offer was gone and I would have had to pay like a trillion bucks … Oh, well … I know someone out there once said it “Don’t pay for something that you already get for free…”

“So shines a good deed in this weary world…” Modified quote from Shakespeare’s Merchant Of Venice. This past Saturday, I decided to try something different with my Shaolin classes. I had 1hr semi private classes starting from 9am to 4pm. I had 4 people sign up and actually show up! They also gave donations to help keep the school going. It was enough to pay for almost have the room hire for May. I was able to supplement the rest. The school is going to stay around for at least another month! I’m nearly in tears just thinking about it. … Well, I came up with times this week for people to sign up to. We’ll see how that works. Really, it playing it by ear week to week… Happy that some of my students are still interested …

Ricky has been out of the house for that last 2 nights! Saturday he had a poker game with his buddies, and last night he spent it with his Sister. 2 nights I had to myself and Sprite. I had bought myself a bottle of German sweet wine for Saturday, and a cheap & dirty bottle of Scotch for last night. On Saturday after Ricky left for his poker game. I settled down on the futon and watched ‘The Green Mile‘ again. It’s 3hrs long, but you wouldn’t know it. I really do love that movie. At the end, John Koffee says that he’s tired of seeing all the bad in the world, that it’s like broken ‘glass’ in his head … Goodness, don’t I know that feeling …

Yesterday, I couldn’t get Sprite out for her walk, so I just hung out for awhile. At around 11am Ricky needed to get supplies for his night at his Sisters. So Sprite and I went with him. We sat at the Lough for a bit, then walked up to Super Valu. I went to a small part behind the store. It turned out that Ricky was too early to get what he wanted, so he came around to the park and we played with Sprite for a bit until 12:30pm and then went back to Super Valu, then home. I puttered around more. Did some planting out back and repotted some indoor plants. We got Sprite out for a walk at a quarter to 3pm. I took her to Deerpark. There were 2 groups of people there. On one side was some young folk playing volleyball and on the other was a large family playing soccer and having a bbq picnic. There in the middle was Sprite and I playing ball and rolling/wrestling in the grass. Ricky was gone by time we came home. I finished up some things in the back garden, cleaned out the drain AGAIN! Then took a loooong hot shower. Played some GO. Played some chess. Minesweeper too. Played with Sprite. Settled into the futon. Watched ‘Shazam’ and ’47 Ronin’. Both better than what I expected. Fell asleep around 3am… Nice and BOREING!

Because Ricky wasn’t home, he wasn’t taking Sprite out to play ball in the back garden at 5:30am or 6:30am or 7am. So both Sprite and I slept through to nearly 9am! It was strange. It was a misty windy morning, and Sprite didn’t want to go out for her walk. That didn’t bother me none. We played still and I went about getting some admin done. Ricky came home around 11am and we took Sprite out for a walk then. And now, for the rest of the day, I’ve been doing admin and poking around on the computer. After this, I’m going to change back into my pjs and again settle into the futon and watch more movies …

So again, a DELIGHTFULLY BOREING AND UNEVENTFUL weekend! … I was very nice. …

Nobody died today by Covid-19. There were 453 new confirmed cases here in Ireland

23 – 30 April 2021 = Covid-19 Blitherings Of A Silly Middle Aged Woman

I sent an email to the Cill Rialiagh Art Centre to see if I can get a residency with them. … I was hoping that they would just arrange a time for me to stay there. I was talking with Mary who recommended that I contact them, and she said that because of the lockdowns, and because people couldn’t travel that they would be looking for business … Well, I got an email from them today … I have to fill out a full application and attach my CV plus 2 piece of my “work” that I’ve done in the past 2 years, plus a €37 application fee … It looks as though Mary got it wrong. They’re actually backlogged and their bookings are at the very least 6 months wait. …

I’m drifting further and further away from Ricky. It looks as though I was right … The only thing we had in common was the titles we dropped. I feel as though I should say that I’m bothered, but I’m not. … Not happy, just not bothered … Today was at least for me, another doozy … It wasn’t that he was point blank wrong or so adamant about “schooling” me in that fucking patronizing tone … It’s because he doesn’t remember. He doesn’t remember because he never asked or was curious … I just told him some time ago. He doesn’t know that the movie was my favourite one in the genre, even though I begged him to watch it with me several times. He doesn’t know that that it’s one of my most favorite soundtracks despite me raving about it. He doesn’t remember how I begged my band conductor to let us play the arrangement … He doesn’t remember that the composer is one of my most favorite composers … Once on his high horse, there’s no talking him down. I just had to leave. There’s no skin in the game for me anymore …

Things will quickly fall apart in the next month or 2. The emergency payments are going to run out in June. The school isn’t at able to support itself or me … I see myself quiet homeless by the end of the year …

It’s the same shyte … There’s gotta be more to this miserable existence than this? There’s got to be more to write about at the end of the day, there has to be …

This past Wednesday Sprite actually went out for a walk with Donna. She’s the local dog walker. I just thought to give it a try. It took a little coaxing, but off she went! I was thrilled and jealous. Why won’t she come out for a walk with me so easily? It was weird not having a dog in the house. She is getting better with people. Hopefully sometime soon we’ll be able to leave her with some friends for a couple of days so that I can travel and Ricky can have a break.

Tomorrow I start with some semi private lessons for my students. I set out time slots from 9am to 4pm. Only 4 signed up. At least they are for the 1st 4 hours. I’ll be done by 1pm. Then I’ll go to Lidle and get me a bottle of cheap Queen Margot blended scotch and a bottle of German sweet wine. I’ll come home, hopefully take Sprite out for a walk, come home again, do some gardening if the weather holds, and then watch movies I have watched a thousand times and drink the wine. Ricky has a poker game tomorrow night so he’ll be out of the house. He’s also going to be out of the house Sunday afternoon and night. So, I’ll drink the wine on Saturday, the Scotch on Sunday…

4 deaths and 545 cases confirmed today

There have been a total of
4,903 deaths of people with COVID-19 in Ireland
&
248,870 confirmed cases.

The Email To Apply For A Residency At Cill Rialaig Arts Centre

Hello! Hope this finds you in good health and Spirit!

My very good friend Mary Cooke (marycooke.org) sold you all out! She didn’t give you up easily. You would have been proud nonetheless. She teased me about this magical place where one can disappear for a week or 2 to be inspired, to create, to dream … I asked her where it was, but she wasn’t talking. I begged her, I even said ‘Please’! … Nope … She wasn’t going to give you up. I tried bribing her with grass daisies, balled up bits of tin foil, and braided shoelaces! Still, she did not bend, she did not break, she did not relent! … I had to change it up and resorted to coercion!  I threatened her with the smell of burnt popcorn, and dusty countertops, yet her lips were sealed! … I was desperate! I needed to know! I didn’t want to do it, but I went deep into the vaults and brought out my secret weapon! … Yeah, that’s right! A saucily baked New York style salted caramel cheesecake, and freshly ground and brewed pot of Costa Rican coffee! Oh she resisted! I wafted the scent to her with the wings that fairies shed on blue moon nights in exchange for new ones. She trembled and reached for the plate. I pulled away and nibbled the edges of the cake and sipped the coffee … Finally, she hung her head and said quietly “OK … I’ll tell you!”…

Now I know! So I ask, so I beg, can I stay? Please can I stay? For a week at least, and a day? At the end of August if possible? I would like to stay sooner, but I live in Cork and I won’t spread my wings until the restrictions allow. I want to be able to write without the miniature harpies constantly rearranging the letters on my laptop. I’ve been awarded the dubious hounour of taming Cerberus, and honestly, it can just be … ugh … exhausting … Who would’ve thought that Cerberus is a 2 year old Border Collie rescue named ‘Sprite’, when it comes to the surface? The resident evil ninja is constantly flicking my left ear making it oh so very hard to concentrate … So please? Pretty please? Pretty pretty PLEASE!? Let me stay? For a week at least and a day?

Eagerly waiting for your response with a New York Style Salted Caramel Cheesecake and a pot of freshly brewed Costa Rican Coffee!

Completely and utterly yours,

The 3rd Coyote

P.S. Please hurry! Or I’ll eat the whole thing! 

16 March – 22 April 2021 Covid-19 Blitherings Of A Silly Middle Aged Woman

I just don’t have it in me anymore …

It’s been so long since I’ve posted … so long it seems since I journaled, … wrote …

So much has happened, but it’s all just the same … Same story over and over and over again …

I’ve given up on Sprite’s training for the most part. I’m just making sure that she has food, shelter and medical when she needs it. I got several concussions beating my head against the wall. Every bit of progress I thought that I was making. Ricky did his best to sabotage it … I don’t think that he even knows, or understands what he was/is doing … I know how to hide the headache. … There’s no talking to him, or reasoning with him about it … I’ve tried, but the horse just won’t come back to life … So, fine … I relent …

… It’s not as though I have a bond with Sprite … Not for want or lack of trying …



” … Days like today … I can’t find a song to wallow in … I can’t find a song that will understand … I can’t find a song that knows how much this hurts … Days like today, I can’t find a song …”

~The 3rd Coyote 22 April 2012

…Funny what you find when you allow yourself to remember …



Ricky and I? Well, I can’t really say … We’re continuing as we are, but dropping the titles … Will this work? I’ve never tried it, so I don’t know …

… I’ve waited 36 years quietly, patiently … Calculated multiple permutations for every measured step … Reveling in my dubious genius … I fell in love with the wait … Finally … The opportunity came … Like a chess game, the opening was perfectly planned, … Then all the King’s horses came out … Needless to say, I still fell off the wall …

Covid-19, vaccines, riots, shootings, people’s inflated sense of entitlement, all still running rampant ..

… I still don’t know how to save my school …

I’m being enigmatic … I don’t know how else to be right now …

As of 5.45pm on Wednesday 21 April 2021

There have been 4,856 deaths of people with COVID-19 in Ireland and 244,695 confirmed cases.



9-15 March 2021 = Covid-19 Blitherings Of A Silly Middle Aged Woman

It actually seems longer since the last time I wrote a blog post … My motivation for keeping up with this blog is waning. Charles Kingsley once said … maybe twice or even more … “We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us happy is something to be enthusiastic about.” … Of course like many of us, we’ve been struggling with this for the better part of our lives … I’m tired of moaning about everything, but I’m having trouble finding interesting things that I’m enthusiastic about to write about. It all seems forced and trite when I try. … But for now, that’s all I got if were to be something other than bitching and moaning …

I got some presents today! A couple of my students dropped by a bread scoring / lame knife with a couple of other accessories and a FANTASTIC water colour of Sprite and all her favorite toys. I’m so honored that they are thinking of me… I was literally in tears …

I don’t think Ricky and I are going to finish out the year. On Thursday we re arranged the living room. And to my surprise it went fairly smoothly. After our talk the day before the Lantern Festival … what day was that? Thursday, 27th Feb? … It wasn’t as though I thought things would be different, or that Ricky made any changes or I saw any progress, I was just a little hopeful. A mistake that I always make, and I blindly make it over and over again. … On Friday, I continued with all the little re arrangements of the living room and my computer desk area while Ricky was upstairs re arranging his stuff. Sprite was upstairs with him, and I thought I would go up and visit and see how it was going. I was playing with Sprite, doing a bit of training as well. But Sprite started to get crazy when Ricky want to jump in on some of the training. I was training Sprite to do a “2 paws” meaning she put her 2 front paws on whatever I’m tapping. So I was tapping my chest and saying “2 paws” and she would gently place her 2 front paws on my chest. This really was a sneaky way of training her not to jump on me. Ricky wanted to give it a try, but Sprite just jumped on him and bounced off. Then she kept jumping on him. I was trying to tell her “NO” whenever she did. Ricky wouldn’t tell her “NO” and kept yelling at her to stop it which triggered her to do it more. She jumped on Ricky and nipped his elbow. I yell out “NO!” she stops, but Ricky yells at me, he yells at me; “I DON’T MIND THAT SHE DOES IT AND YOU SHOULDN’T EITHER!” Sprite then continues to jump and nip at him, I’m so angry that I storm off … When we talked on the 27th of Feb. I told him that I’m done talking. Now, I’m done trying … It’s all over once I’m done caring, and that may be sooner than later …

… Sorry … I can’t seem to find a way to make these photos smaller …

I was an ice queen for the rest of Friday and all day Saturday, I wanted an excuse to come up with a plan of action without Ricky interrupting me with his gossip and negative critiques. Sunday I was up early, before Ricky and managed to get myself together so that I can take Sprite out for her walk. She came along with very little encouragement. I only meant to take her to the park behind the Chinese take away, but we just kept going, all the way down to the Lee Fields, and a bit beyond into the cow pasture. Sprite was an angel! It was what I was dreaming of when I first adopted her. She was off lead for the most part and she listened to all of her command to some extent or better. We were out for nearly 4 hours! It gave me a lot of quiet time to think, and come to some conclusions.

So, not to get into it all, because I’m wanting to finish this up and get some dinner. I’m going to be asking that Ricky stay out of the house all day and evening every Thursday. I feel that he’s taken sooo much over the past 5 years, that I’m going to start taking some of it back. Starting with my time …

… I don’t remember what I did on the 9th -11th …

575 new confirmed cases today.
Nobody died today due to Covid-19.
There is now a total of 4,534 deaths
and 227,000 confirmed cases of Covid-19 here in Ireland.

4-8 March 2021 = Covid-19 Blitherings Of A Silly Middle Aged Woman

The only reason why I’m writing this post is because I have a new years resolution to write 200 post this year. I don’t want to let this fall to the wayside and then comes the new year and I still have 150 more posts to write.

… So we flipped the bed 90 Degrees this pat Thursday. Even though there’s more room, I don’t like it. I haven’t slept in it head to toe, head board to foot of the bed yet. I have slept in it at the foot of the bed like a dog would. I can watch the moon track across the sky and feel the night breeze on my face if I laid in the bed this way. Otherwise it’s just a dark moldy smelling corner. Still sleeping on the futon. Don’t think that Ricky and I will ever share a bed again …

Friday I went into the town and got refills on body wash and dish soap. I also got some corn and runner bean seeds for the Lock Down Community Garden. I don’t know when we’ll be able to get the garden boxes and raised beds in, because of all these lock downs, but I want to be ready with seedlings when we do.

Saturday I got off the futon and went right up to bed and settled in the foot of the bed and slept until about 5pm. Then I stayed at the foot of the bed until about midnight watching Criminal Minds and knitting my ugly blanket. I was happy enough to do so. Down in city centre there was a protest against the lock downs and whatever ridiculousness they can come up with. The numbers have been coming down. But I bet in 2 weeks time the number are going to sky rocket again. Not just because of the protest around Ireland, but because all the kids will be going back to school. I swear, we’re a half a step away from were wearing hazmat suits is the norm.

Sunday I was up and about fairly early, though I didn’t leave the house and garden. I had tried a completely different method in making the sourdough. I’ve been leaving out the whole autolyze step. The problem that I have with my sourdough is dough strength. I saw a few YouTube videos that say that autolyze will help with that. Well, “they” were absolutely wrong! I ended up with flat frisebee’s that didn’t rise. So I went back to my old method and started another sourdough that I baked today. I closed up early yesterday too. I settled into the futon and again escaped into Criminal Minds and knitted my ugly blanket.

I got up early-ish again today. Right when Ricky came back from Sprites walk. He had the radio on and was banging about in the kitchen. I wanted another hour or 2 of quiet. So I went upstairs and again, snuggled into the foot of the bed and fell into a deep sleep. It was nice. I got up around 10 ish am. Ricky had work to do at his folks home, so he was gone for the day. I baked bread. Filled the bird feeders. Cleaned the kitchen. Cleaned and dusted the living room. Tied down the black berry bramble so that they would grow along the half wall. Played with Sprite on the steps. Tried to take her for a walk 3x but she would go. Ricky came home early and we both took Sprite out for a walk up at Deerpark where she ran with Maggie and met a new dog, A beautiful black German Shepard named Shep. We had 4 balls all on the go for the 3 dogs! They had a great run! When Sprite came home she just collapsed. She hasn’t had a run like that in a long time!

And now, just like always, I’m writing this… Now, I’m done …

25 deaths and 566 cases confirmed cases of Covid-19 Here in Ireland



3 March 2021 = Covid-19 Blitherings Of A Silly Middle Aged Woman

More procrastination today. My ADD is running rampant and I don’t have alcohol to subdue it. I gave it up for Lent, or whatever pagan tradition best fits this time of year where you stop eating meat & eggs so that the cows, pigs, chickens, sheep can all get busy and have babies without the worry of being slaughtered for breakfast. Giving up alcohol has nothing to do with multiplying the herd, but it’s the practice of making a sacrifice now to help ensure a better life later. … Or something like that … is a good thing to do.

I only have an hour to write this… I’m upstairs on my work table, instead of downstairs on my computer table. I know it sounds complicated, and it’s going to get even more complicated because I’m lazy. My work table is in the bedroom. I brought my computer here so that I can shut the door and get work done without Ricky and Sprite bugging me every 3 minutes. Ricky is wanting to go to bed early tonight, so I have an hour. I don’t want to tear down the whole set up, take it downstairs, set it up again on my computer table for just a couple of hours before I go to bed, just to break it all down and set it back up, upstairs tomorrow morning. I think you get the idea … I have an hour to write this.

I actually managed to get some work done, despite my ADD, and my body tweaking for butter, sugar and other processed foods that I gave up for Lent/Carnival/Pagan Spring whatever. But I wasted a lot of time too.

Tomorrow Ricky wants to move the bedroom around. I fucking hate the idea. I like where the bed is even though I’m not sleeping in it these days. Nothing really fits in this house except for the bed where it is … and my work table where it is. Everything else is a couple of inches off, so it sticks out, or you have to turn sideways to scooch around it, or it gets stacked like a messy closet or storage unit. Really bad Feng Shui. I understand changing the room around for a bit of a change, but if the change is going to be a bad one… I lived in this house for 13 years now. When I first moved in, I spent months trying every possible arrangement and found the few that work. But nope, just like always, Ricky thinks I’m a moron and that he knows better. I’m only agreeing to this to shut him up about it. I’m sleeping downstairs on the futon anyways, so I guess I can add to the list of sacrifices that I’m making for Lent/Carnival/Pagan Spring whatever.

Ricky came out for Sprite’s walk with me this morning. At first I thought it would be a great idea, but then like so many other walks we all do together, it turned out frustrating, with Ricky micromanaging me and Sprite. When we got home, Ricky went out again for another long walk for a couple of hours. I had Sprite and the house to myself, and it was nice. But, because I had the freedom of the house, I didn’t want to do any work and ended up playing with Sprite for half the time. Ricky came home and then took Sprite out for an afternoon walk. At this point Ricky has been walking for nearly 6 hours straight! There was about 3 hours after they came back and before I took Sprite down to the hall so that she wouldn’t bother Ricky during his online yoga class. I just spent an hour and half playing with Sprite down in the hall before coming home and am now writing this. Both Sprite and Ricky should be well tired by now. Me on the other hand, am wide awake!

I’m not going to be doing anymore work tonight obviously, so in 10 mins I’m going to shut this down, go downstairs, change into my pajamas, settle into the futon, knit my ugly blanket while watching Criminal Minds on Amazon Prime Video.

25 deaths and 566 cases confirmed here in Ireland today.

2 March 2021 = Covid-19 Blitherings Of A Silly Middle Aged Woman

Writing this post … I won’t lie, is pure, unadulterated procrastination. I should be working on the belt requirements for my school and getting them up on the website. … I should be working on the website … and the Facebook page … and The Cork Repair Café … and Bruscar Crow … I should study my chess and GO and Flute and … Wait! Wait! Wait! … Just the school stuff. That is what will bring in personal income, however little it may be. The rest can wait … I should get to it then, but I’m writing this blog post… Let me get this done and over with, then I’ll change into my pajamas, do some sit ups and a few push ups, maybe some squats as well, and I’ll be good to get started on those belt requirements and website … I’ll probably have to check the bread that I just baked that’s cooling in the oven … No, I don’t need to do that. It can stay in the oven until tomorrow morning. It’s fine. … What am I doing now? Damn! I have to go pee …

OK

I woke up this morning to the sound of Sprite barking and my alarm both at 8:30 am. I swear I had set my alarm for 7:30 am. She stopped barking when I called her to come downstairs. She didn’t come downstairs. Got off the futon, stumbled into the bathroom, changed, made Sprites food. Ricky and Sprite both came down the stairs and went out back to play ball, which made my blood boil. Why won’t he stop playing ball with her out back!? I grit my teeth, put my shoes on, put treats in my pocket, got Sprites leash/lead and called her over to go out for a walk.

To my surprise she came right out with me! I was/am thrilled! We went to the hall, played ball, I checked on the bird feeders there. I’ll probably go there again tomorrow to turn off the heat that’s on a timer. On the way back we stopped at Deerpark to see if anyone was there, but no one was. Poor Sprite looked like the lonely kid at a playground with no one to play with.

We got home, gave Sprite some food. I planted some more flowers to replace the primroses that Ricky and Sprite trampled on. Folded the bread dough a few times, gave Sprite more food, played with Sprite on the steps out back. … See if Ricky would just stick to the steps, it would all be fine, but NOOOoooOOoooOOoOO, he has to throw the ball into the garden where Sprite tramples on my flowers and tears up the newly growing grass.

Took a much needed shower, had a bit to eat, added veggies and barely to a broth that I’ve been simmering for the past 3 days. Played a few moves with my GO games and a couple on Chess. Updated the schools Facebook page, folded the bread a few times more.

Decided to try my luck in taking Sprite out for her afternoon walk, and wouldn’t you know? She came out with no argument or hassle! We went back to Deerpark. There were 2 young lads hitting the sliotar back and forth with their hurleys. With Sprite’s obsession with balls, I didn’t want to let her off lead just in case she goes after sliotar and won’t give it up. So I waited until the boys were done to let her off lead so that she can play with the ball that I brought. But the lads weren’t done, they started up again. I started to panic a bit but saw how Sprite wasn’t at all interested … Again, I’m absolutely thrilled! We played with the ball that I brought, ran into a couple of people that we knew, and they threw the ball for Sprite, then came back home.

I shaped the bread dough and put it into the Banneton. I got myself set up here, upstairs on my work table so that I can get some work done without much external distractions. … Didn’t considered that the internal distractions are way way worse! … Warmed up the oven for 20mins, turned out the bread scored it and popped it into the oven. Made some tea, ladled up a bowl of soup and came up here to start work.

That was 2 hours ago, and all I’ve done so far is open up Word. Which looks like I closed it for some reason. …

OH! BTW! That mice thing that I eluded to yesterday? We have mice in the house. I’m usually fine with mice in the house as long as they don’t get up on the kitchen counters. They would scurry around, and when they get to know me an see that I’m not a threat, I just scoop them up into a cup or can or something of the sort and take them out into the compost area where there is plenty of food and places for them to burrow. Every year I usually catch about 3 mice this way. No, they’re not blind. And no, it’s not the same one. But this year, they got up onto the counters. Karma is going to have it’s way with me and it won’t be pleasant. I put a hit on them and sent Ricky to get rid of them. 5 mice in 3 days! I can barely cope. Ricky seems to be enjoying the hunt. Why? Why did they have to get up on the counters? Why couldn’t they just stay on the floor where I can scoop them up and take them to a better place. There’s more. I hope they are smart enough not to get caught in traps, stay off the counter and go back outside.

It’s time. I’m going to do what I said I would do at the beginning of this post and get into my pajamas, do a few callisthenic exercises, then get to work …

14 deaths and 359 cases confirmed of Covid-19 here in Ireland

19 February – 1 March 2021 = Covid-19 Blitherings Of A Silly Middle Aged Woman

Gee it’s been 10 days since my last post. I’m out of sync … No, sync isn’t the right word … Maybe practice is a better one as it can be interpreted in a few ways. I guess I’m just going to get back into the swing of things with this post. Working backwards?

Today consisted mainly of ticking things off a list of things to do. Which is what most of the past 10 days were like. I got groceries from Super Valu & Con’s, messaged my students with an update on what’s happening, rather what’s not happening in March. Yes, you guessed it! A 3rd extension to this 3rd lock down … or is it the 4th? Until the 5th of April after Easter. With the way things have been going they might extend it even further until May. I nearly want another extension to May. It would give me another month to work on my health before going back to classes or whatever the school morphs into. I’m in really bad shape, embarrassingly so. … I paid my bills and shed a tear for my empty bank account. I cleaned the kitchen 2x and started another sourdough bread loaf…

Yesterday Ricky and I took Sprite on a long walk out to the Lee Fields. You never seen a happier dog! The fields were still flooded in parts, and for the first time Sprite went bounding in the flooded area. I was surprised, seeing that she seemed to avoid puddles or any kind of standing water. She doesn’t mind the rain, but puddles large and small she does. She also slipped into the river and my heart jumped out of me. There wasn’t a strong current, but this is literally the 1st time Sprite went swimming. She only traveled a few feet before she found the bank and climbed back up. I swear, for those 3 sec the Earth spun 100x faster! In the end I was actually thrilled that she went into the water. I think it was last week. She and Ricky came home caked in mud. As I’ve said in other posts Sprite is terrified of any grooming equipment, even wash cloths. And there’s no bathing her either. I spent the night just wiping her with my bare hands and then washing my hands. I couldn’t get to it all so all that muck dried and started irritate her skin. At that point she wouldn’t let me touch her at all. Not even with my bare hands. I demanded Ricky take her out in the rain, have her walk through and lie down in the wet grass just to get the muck offer her. It helped for the most part, but there were still mud and muck in her tail and butt fur that was beginning to matte. Again I was happy that the River Lee was able to take care of those last bits!

I played GO with Laurie. I had my GO board and stones out, while we played a live game online. We also zoomed so that we can talk and discuss the moves. It was A LOT of FUN! We played and talked for 3 and 1/2 hours! If there was time, I would have played another game, but it was 11:30 pm my time and in the middle of the day for her. We HAVE to do this more often!

Saturday and Friday past are all blurry. More ticking things off lists. Oh! Friday was the Lantern Festival, the 15th day and last day of Tết Nguyên Đán. On this day you honour your ancestors. You burn paper replicas of nice things & money for them to have in the afterlife. I wasn’t in the mood to celebrate so much. I don’t really know who my ancestors are. It’s a long story. I did light up some sage in hopes to make some connection to possible benevolent spirits. There was a GOREGOUSE !!!

Wait!
Saturday, Squeee and I made our best yet sourdough loaf!

Thursday was interesting. If you’ve read some of my previous post then you know that Ricky and I weren’t getting along. That it had gotten to the point where all I felt was anger and resentment toward him. We didn’t have a caring loving relationship. We had a passive aggressive stand off. I was at my wits end with it. Because of Tet, I wanted to wait until after The Lantern Festival to sit Ricky down and tell him that our relationship sucks. That it’s time to stop talking, and start doing. But it all came to a head way on the Wednesday. That’s when Sprite was still caked in mud. Ricky in his defiance was still throwing the ball for her out back and has now trampled over the primroses I had just planted. Sprite was barking at people, barking and jumping on Ricky, wasn’t eating her regular food because Ricky was feeding people food and giving her copious amounts of treats. She was even more reluctant to go on her walks with me, even terrified to do so. I was in tears, literally sobbing when I didn’t think anyone was looking. With calculated desperation, I messaged Kathryn the dog behaviorist and straight up told her that Sprit is getting worse. That I had failed miserably and am seriously considering rehoming her to a family that can better train and take care of her. Well, Ricky saw the message, and I think something clicked in. He came to me as said that we should talk.

Back to Thursday. Again, I wanted to save this conversation until after Tet, but oh what the hell, might as well get it over with. Now you see, I was/am done talking about it. We’ve had conversation after conversation. All talk, no action. No, I wasn’t going to have yet another conversation, get my hopes up and then be miserable. So I went in guns a blazing! I told him that our relationship sucked, that I’m not going to talk about it anymore and gave him a few different options in living arrangements and how to proceed. For example; He moves out for a month, and/or we go to counseling, and/or split up the space in this tiny house. He gets the downstairs and I get the upstairs, etc… This took him back. It seemed as though he finally realized that I’m not fooling around anymore, and that I’m willing to throw him out of his very comfortable living arrangement. … Unfortunately we ended up talking instead of creating an action plan and implementing it. There have been some improvements, more so than other times. But I really don’t have much faith. He still is playing ball with Sprite out back, which sends a wave of rage through me. No, I don’t believe that Ricky is invested in making this work. I’m merely a status symbol among all his single friends. I do believe that is the only reason why he indulges me with a these conversations and some waning effort. He doesn’t want to lose his status with his buddies of being the only one in a long term relationship.

… So plan “B”. I always have a plan “B”. I said it a few times before, and I’ll say it again. The Year Of The Ox is not the year to make big changes. In light of that, I’m going to wait Ricky out and focus on other things. At the end of the year, if this status quo is still lingering, then in The Year Of The Tiger, which is a great year to make big changes, I’ll send him packing. …

I can’t remember much from the other days other than me being miserable and trying to keep my temper and outrage in check for the sake of Tet. Ricky did spend Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday out of the house doing a painting job for his Sister. It was good, it gave me space to get my head wrapped around this upcoming year and how to proceed with Ricky. He’s got another day this week. … Oh, and then there is the drama with the mice …*sigh*… I’ll have to write about that later. I just know that I’ll be taking a big Karma hit, when I really don’t have much to spare.

OK, that’s all for now …

1 death and 687 cases confirmed of Covid-19 today
There have now been a total of 4,319 deaths

and 220,273 confirmed cases here in Ireland

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