Frustrated. Anxious. … I can’t focus … It’s the same old damn complaints. … I feel icky, gross and fat. … I’m fatigued. So tired all the time. Hungry but not wanting to eat because I feel fat. Or eating for the sake of eating. … I’m cold … “Just do the damn thing!”. I keep screaming to myself; “Just do the damn thing!” … Still I just sit and stare aimlessly into the computer screen, scrolling through Facebook watching endless videos of rescued dogs being nursed back to health. … Is it depression? Anxiety maybe? My ADHD? I’m I sick again? Is the cancer back? Why have I not recovered? It’s been 16 months since my last chemo cycle! Why am I so fucking tired all the time! … My ankles hurt. It feels like someone is stabbing them with skewers every time I take a step. Is it gout? Did I break a bone without knowing it, because of the neuropothy? … I look in the mirror and my face is sagging. It looks as if it’s melting off my skull. My hair so thin and frizzy … Sprite hurt her right front paw. Or is it her shoulder that she’s been having trouble with. She’s limping on and off. Do I take her to the vet or wait it out? … How am I going to pay my rent in Jun, July & August … Or even in September … I can’t afford anything … Kevin is coming here at the end of May for 2 wks. I want so much to wine and dine him, so that his first experience of being in Ireland and in Europe is a great one. But I can barely afford the accommodations. … It would be a whole different story if I only lived in a proper place where there was a leaky roof, or creeping black mould. Where the stairs to the bedroom isn’t a glorified ladder. I would save over a thousand euros … He would too … Why is everything right at my figer tips, but still out of reach … It’s cruel …
… Maybe I just miss Kevin …
The 3rd Coyote 
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