I stared down a rabbit hole for the better part of today. Why is it so alluring? Is it because it’s easy? Just to fall in and let it take you away … If not this rabbit hole, how about the one just inches away … There’s so many of them you don’t even have to chose! Just let go and fall …
I did book all the train and bus tickets for when Kevin visits. I’m doing a dry run on Monday. Going to Dublin, picking up Kevin from the airport, getting the bus to our hotel … I want it all to run smoothly …
Today is Kevin Birthday! I didn’t get a present for him organized in time to send out. I have one or two things on the make. He’ll get them when he comes and visits. All I had ready was a poem I wrote about him that I posted in his feed in on Facebook …
You are poetry… The embodiment of life & love … The force that drives all things …
You are poetry… The logic of common sense… The reason for making sense…
You are poetry… The rising of the sun & moon … The ebbs & flows of tides …
You are poetry… The beating of my heart… The making of my soul…
It was yours to keep long ago…
You are poetry, and I Love You So!
I do Love him so. I miss him with every passing moment.
It’s that same old same old. I got a lot done in these past couple of days, but at the same time felt that I did nothting. I’m sure there’s a paradox named after it, though I wouldn’t know what it’s called.
People are so busy these days. Myself included. Still it all seem very routine. It all seems as though we are all just going through the motions. I’m finding that I’m doing that more and more. Just going through motions.
I worry about boredom. It’s not me being bored. I’m rarely bored when left to my own devices. I worry when other people get bored, in particular, friends. I feel that I’m responsible and I want to remedy their boredom in some way or another. It’s more than a worry when it comes to Kevin. With him, I’m down right terrified. I know several couples who have said that they’ll stay together for as long as it stays interesting. Now they’ve been together for decades at this point. It’s something that they have, that Kevin and I don’t. They have history to keep things interesting. I worry, I’m terrified that Kevin will find me boring at some point, and be done with me.
HA! I guess I just confessed to one of my triggers. Or is it buttons. … Pressure points? … Is it because of some kind of childhood trauma? Maybe? But I do start staring deeper into that rabbit hole when I think that Kevin is bored, and/or bored with me.
Last night I crashed around 10pm. I changed the sheets and thought to just lay down on a freshly made bed. Next thing I know it’s 3am! I tried to stay up, because I had stuff to do, but I just crashed again 10 min later. Then I woke up again at 9am. My sleeping habits are not sustainable. Being tired and fatigued all the time is really getting old.
I tried to get a lot of “admin” done yesterday but it didn’t happen. I got some done, but not as much a I wanted. Had a Cork Repair Café committee meeting. I think we got a lot done. I was being pushy. As with most committee meeting of every sort, there’s a lot of talk, but little action. There CRC isn’t so bad, but there was a lot on the table and I wanted to make sure we got through it and had a plan of action for it. We had it over at Tom Barry’s. Their pizza’s looked really good and they ordered them up quick! I’m really tempted to get one sometime!
I have a problem with my exe Richard. With Sprite being a nervous dog around other people. Richard’s been coming over to look after if I’m gone for more than 4hrs. He has a key, and can let himself in. This makes it easier, because I don’t have to engage with him. He can just come in, take Sprite out for a walk, drop her back and leave. It’s that last part where there’s a problem. He doesn’t leave. Like on a Saturday for example. From 9am to 6pm I’m teaching classes and running errands. What Richard does, is come here and camps out all day here. I wouldn’t care so much, but he’s taking a lot of liberties with my stuff and the house. He moves my stuff around. The amount of washing up liquid, hand soap and oat milk he uses is ridiculous! He’s destroying the back garden. The whanktard went and chopped up my blooming current bushes because he want to give “his current” bush more light! … Tonight, he said that wasn’t going to call in, because I was only teaching class tonight. Well, guess what!? He tells me after the fact that he decided to come over for an hour. He said that he went up to the green above, but I know that he was out in the back garden playing with Sprite knowing full well that I asked him not to! He doesn’t cover up his tracks very well … or at all … He’s intruding on my space and privacy … He really makes my blood boil! I don’t know how to get rid of him. Because at the moment, I fucking need him to look after Sprite. I think he know that and is taking advantage of the situation. … I don’t like him! I can almost say that I hate him!
I wish I had something interesting or clever to say/write … I know, I keep complaining about it too … Yeah, I’m just writing for the sake of writing for my 2024 New Years writing Resolution.
A few weeks ago, a person I knew in high school posted this:
I of course swiped it and posted it on my own profile feed … Do you remember when it was called your “wall” … or was that MySpace … Friendster? … Anyway, the message, the sentiment is spot on! That’s exactly how I feel about my writing … and sketching … music … shaolin … goodness, most everything. Really all I want to do right now is knit, crochet, binge watch movies/shows and chat with Kevin… I wish we were together now … He’s cooking oysters for his dinner right now …
I got some catching up to do with stuff that’s happened this week. What’s good about saving it all for now, is that I’ve rehersed it over and over in my head and wittled it down to why I remember it. … I might have already mentioned much of this, but I can’t remember what I wrote in this blog or wrote to Keving or told anyone else. So there’s probably some repating here …
This past Wed I saw my GP so that Dr Murphy draw blood for tests and go over my x-rays of my ankles. I told him about having a period after a year. I’m gonna get reffered to the gynecologist. It turns out that I have a fracture in my left ankle. A small one, but one none the less. The disconcerting part is that Dr. Murphy said that it was a result of a very bad sprain. Thing is, I don’t remember spraining my ankle. It make me wonder if I haven’t started sleep walking again … I got weighed. 88kgs/196lbs! I don’t think I’ve ever weighed that much! What’s crazy to me is that my diet isn’t bad! It’s quiet good really. I eat mostly veggies, meat 2-3 times a week. Very little int he way of bread & cereals. I don’t do sodas/fizzy drinks, very little in the way of processed and deep fried foods. So What’s the deal? … I went and got 2 slices of pizza, a cheese danish, a Bounty candy bar and a bag of crisps after my appointment. I decided that before I crank down even harder on my diet, that I was going to have a blow out. … It wasn’t as good as I hoped …
After seeing my GP I went to MTU to meet with the class that’s making up the logo for the Cork Repair Café. I was so impressed with them and what they came up with. I wished we could use all of them. One of the things I really tried to impress on the groups that I met with, was that the logo had to be appealing to their generation, Gen “Z”. They’re the ones who will carry on the tradition.
Only 2 people who signed up for the Wed night kung fu class showed up and Arum. They were there for the free class. They weren’t going to sign up. So, instead of going over all the details of this and that, I spent the 2hrs going through just samples of different techniques and forms. It worked out well. Now I’m thinking maybe that’s the way to go with perspective students. Just give them a sampling of kung fu until they’ve sign up!
I spent a good part of Thursday dismantling a full length hooded cardigan sweater that I was commissioned to make. €130 in wool/yarn. I was almost done. Just needed to make the hood. But the deal fell through. I could have finished it and tried to sell it on eBay or Etsy, but really I just couldn’t be arsed. I could have sold it for €390+, but would I get that? Probably not. It would be more hassel than what it’s worth. I unravelled the yolk and and sleeves. Kept the rest and turning it into a blanket that I’ll donate to Blankets of Hope. Then I’m going to make a scalloped shawl/scarf & a big bulky wrap with pockets. I’ll give those to Rosemarie to see if he could sell those at the boot sales that she does on weekends. If she can’t sell them there, then I might give them away as gifts for people …
Did the seated qi gong class for the Better Together group at Tory Top Library. Most of the group are 80 years old and older. I did the class with them before. It’s a fun group. After the class we have tea and biscuits. I love hearing all their stories!
No one showed up for class on Saturday. A prospective student came in just to observe class. Since there was no class, we chatted for an hour and a half. I worried that I babbled on and on, but he seemed to enjoy the conversation. I must of said something right because he’s singing up!
My left eyeball was feeling weird all day Saturday. I thought it had to do with my contacts. Or that I might have scratched it somehow. I told Kevin and he insisted that I go in and see a Doctor. It was 11pm and I tried to talk my way out of it. But there’s no arguing with Kevin. I conceded and called up South Doc to see what they had to say. I ended up making an appointment at 2:45am! I was a little mad. I didn’t want to walk all the way down there and back. I didn’t want to pay for a taxi. I didn’t want to gol, but I wouldn’t hear the end of it from Kevin until I did. So I did. And DAMN IT! He was right. I have conjuctivitis. A bad case of it too! So it was good that I had it looked at.
Today, I went into town to pick up the antibiotic for my goopy eye. It was a warm sunny Sunday! Almost hot! Because of the good weather I washed the sheets and towels so that I can have them hanging on the line drying. I fell asleep with Sprite in the sun out back. Chatted with Kevin, putz around and am now writing this … Though I think I’ve said all that I care to right now, so I’ll hang this up here and tomorrow night, write another one …
Nobody showed up for class today … Though a perspective student came in just to watch, but since there was no class we talked for and hour and half. He said that he’s going to join. So I guess that’s something good …
My left eye is all red and stingy. I told Kevin and he is insistant that I go get it looked at. It’s 11pm. I call South Doc. Now I have an appointment at 2:45am …
Would it be too much to ask to take another miss on writing today? I haven’t written a proper post since … What? Monday? …
Writing about my day, seems to highlight how trite it all is. … Maybe that’s why I’m so tired all the time?
I keept quoting Charles Kinsley … And if you follow me here and read a lot of my post you’re probably sick of me constantly quoting; “We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us really happy is something to be enthusiastic about.” I’m not quoting it for effect, or for everyone to read. I keep quoting it for myself. To keep myself in check. To stay focused. But it’s losing it’s effect, because I’ve lost my enthusiasm for most things. … Well, there is Kevin. I’m enthusiastic about him. He’s maybe the only thing that I am enthusiastic about? Which isn’t good. It’s like putting all your eggs in one basket. …
I think that is at the core of my maladies. That I’ve lost my enthusiasm for most things …
The 3rd Coyote 