I‘m not suppose to feel like this. I’m suppose to be happy. I have a dog that likes me. I can start the school back up in 2 weeks. The back garden after this weekend will finally be almost the way I want it after 13 Summers. … I have a roof over my head, and food on the shelves … I even have a little bit of money saved up. Not much, just a bit. … I’m suppose to be happy … I have a boyfriend, … though he’s annoyed with me most of the time… I can’t seem to get it right … There’s no 2nd chances, no margin for error, no slack, DO NOT ask for clarification. … You have to have it perfect first time out. NO SMILING! … I’m suppose to be happy … Maybe it’s something I ate, or have been eating. Maybe it’s because I haven’t slept in so so so …. so long… Maybe it’s because I’m 49 years old, fat and always tired and achy. … And so very lonely …
I miss the mountains. I love Ireland, but every inch of this Island has been explored. But there are places up in the mountains no human ever set foot in. Except for me of course. After a few days you smell like the woods, you smell like murky water, and rocks. You’re breathing coordinates with the movements of the wind, the leaves, the earth … Everything around you becomes familiar and comforting, like coming home… And just like that, you ARE part of something so much greater than yourself … It’s not a want, or a longing, or a search, … you are …
I went through the day without thinking too much or accomplishing anything. Took Sprite out for her walks, go emails done. Did more of the back garden. As the Covid-19 restrictions are lifted, though we are still in just phase 2 more and more people are wanting to meet up. But they want to meet up when it’s convenient for them. No compromising. … I wonder why they bothered to ask?
“Hey, we should meet up for a coffee!”
“Yeah! That sounds Great! How about tomorrow afternoon?”
“No, can’t do that.”
“How about the next day?”
“Nope.”
“Next week?”
“Busy all next week?”
…
I never take it seriously when someone we should meet up without giving a time of when to do so and are not willing to negotiate.
But I wonder at all if anyone knows that the pandemic is still here. It hasn’t gone away. The all powerful “They” are saying that a common steroid can be used against the virus. It’s not that I’m wondering why they didn’t think of it earlier, because frankly speaking, neither did I. … But I just wonder if they had looked into medications that treat the symptoms for asthma? This virus is a flu that attacks the respiratory system, and asthma is a respiratory disease, so can their be some cross over?
My mind is wandering and and I’m babbling. I’m painfully sad, and so unhappy … I’m feeling so very foolish for thinking that getting a dog will keep me from jumping down that dark and familiar rabbit hole that is so very inviting right now… Sprite will be OK … All the people that I know, and that know me will be OK. …
There were 4 deaths today and 16 new confirmed cases of Covid-19.
There are now a total of 1714 deaths
and 25,355 confirmed cases here in Ireland.
The 3rd Coyote 