24 Apr 24 Coyote Jibberish

April 24, 2024 at 11:40 pm (Coyote Jibberish, Hodgepodge, My Own Private Train Wreck)
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It’s that same old same old. I got a lot done in these past couple of days, but at the same time felt that I did nothting. I’m sure there’s a paradox named after it, though I wouldn’t know what it’s called.

People are so busy these days. Myself included. Still it all seem very routine. It all seems as though we are all just going through the motions. I’m finding that I’m doing that more and more. Just going through motions.

I worry about boredom. It’s not me being bored. I’m rarely bored when left to my own devices. I worry when other people get bored, in particular, friends. I feel that I’m responsible and I want to remedy their boredom in some way or another. It’s more than a worry when it comes to Kevin. With him, I’m down right terrified. I know several couples who have said that they’ll stay together for as long as it stays interesting. Now they’ve been together for decades at this point. It’s something that they have, that Kevin and I don’t. They have history to keep things interesting. I worry, I’m terrified that Kevin will find me boring at some point, and be done with me.

HA! I guess I just confessed to one of my triggers. Or is it buttons. … Pressure points? … Is it because of some kind of childhood trauma? Maybe? But I do start staring deeper into that rabbit hole when I think that Kevin is bored, and/or bored with me.

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19 Apr 24 Coyote Jibberish

April 19, 2024 at 11:13 pm (Coyote Jibberish, Hodgepodge, My Own Private Train Wreck)
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Would it be too much to ask to take another miss on writing today? I haven’t written a proper post since … What? Monday? …

Writing about my day, seems to highlight how trite it all is. … Maybe that’s why I’m so tired all the time?

I keept quoting Charles Kinsley … And if you follow me here and read a lot of my post you’re probably sick of me constantly quoting; “We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us really happy is something to be enthusiastic about.” I’m not quoting it for effect, or for everyone to read. I keep quoting it for myself. To keep myself in check. To stay focused. But it’s losing it’s effect, because I’ve lost my enthusiasm for most things. … Well, there is Kevin. I’m enthusiastic about him. He’s maybe the only thing that I am enthusiastic about? Which isn’t good. It’s like putting all your eggs in one basket. …

I think that is at the core of my maladies. That I’ve lost my enthusiasm for most things …

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16 Apr 24 Coyote Jibberish

April 16, 2024 at 10:07 pm (Coyote Jibberish, Hodgepodge, My Own Private Train Wreck)
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The just flew … I went to bed at 4am and got up at 10am. Did Sprites walks, made brunch and dinner … Just going through the motions.

I repotted an apple tree sprout into a bigger pot. I sprouted cayenne pepper seeds from a store baught pepper. So I potted about a dozen of them in these little tiny pots. I gave the rest to Alina 3 doors up. My corn and pumpkins still haven’t sprouted. I planted them over a month ago … It would be so nice to have my own proper garden and the money and equpment to endlessly putz around in it if I wanted to.

Posted a photo of my Aunts and Uncles with my Grandparents on Facebook. I tagged what cousins I’m connected with and my Uncle Charlie. It’s getting a lot of tracktion … Still, I doesn’t seem like they are my family. I may have only seen them in person once, a long long time ago. It feels like I a posted a random photo of someone elses family. The cousins are making comments about it that I have nothing to relate them to. … I’m only a spectator in my own family …

I taught my tai chi & qi gong class. I had 15 people signed up through the Life Long Learning Festival, only 6 showed up. There was a student that had travelled from Boise, that was suppose to come to class, but his tour is staying Skibbereen and the last bus back to Skibbereen was at 7:45pm ‘er there abouts. So he wasn’t able to come to class after all. … I really need to get my ass moving on getting the school up on Discord, YouTube & Patreon before there’s no more school left.

I really miss Kevin. Sure we have a running dialogue through out the day, but I still miss him. I want to be with him. Even if we’re just sitting quietly doing our own thing, I want to be with him … I’m tired of imagining what it would be like if we were together …

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26 Mar 24 Coyote Jibberish

March 27, 2024 at 1:08 am (Coyote Jibberish, Hodgepodge, My Own Private Train Wreck)
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Even without the morning classes, Tuesdays always seem hetic.

Finally got to the pool today. Like always, I didn’t want to go and was looking for excuses not to. Got up to 7 laps! 350m. Even started sweating in the sauna. I know! You’re suppose to sweat in the sauna, right? Well, that’s my problem. I don’t sweat properly, which make me prone to heat exhaustion. I basically have to retrain my body to sweat, by sitting in the sauna for longer and longer periods at a time. My thighs were actually sweating! I was happy! Still, come Thursday monring, I suspect that I’ll be doing the same, looking for excuses not to go.

Only a few people in tai chi class today. … They were the die hards … Still, with just a few people, it’s just not sustainable.

Went to the Hyde Out for Chess and Go. Just like with the swimming, I didn’t want to go and was trying to find excuses. I keep saying it over and over again. I love the Chess Lads so I don’t know why I don’t want to go. But I posted it on Facebook on the Cork Go Club page that I would be there from 9:30pm onward, so I made myself go. I always do enjoy the time when I do go. I played a game of chess. I did OK for the first 10 moves. Then there was a rapid decline. Still I was chuffed that I stayed pretty even up to that point! I mean these guys all have a rating over 1200! … I got Len to play a 9×9 game of GO. He won. It was a teaching game, so it was by design.

I’m home now, trying not to fume over how much soap & washing up liquid Richard is using. Or how much oat milk he’s drinking. He’s only here for a couple of hours to look after Sprite! How much oatmilk can you use for a cup of tea? Or even two cups of tea? Certainly not half a litre!

… *Breathe*…

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25 Mar 24 Coyote Jibberish

March 25, 2024 at 10:15 pm (Coyote Jibberish, Hodgepodge, My Own Private Train Wreck)
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I better catch up … I’m still in bleh mode … auto pilot … whatever …

The day really got away from me. I was up early too. It seemed as though getting up early made the day shorter. Matt came by at 9:30am to pick up the tools for Cork Community Bikes that were accidently brought to my house yesterday.

Took Sprite out for a walk in the rain and was back by 11:15am.

Got ready and went to my Tooth Fairy appointment at 12n. Yeah, I had to make another appointment. The molar that refilled, had a really sharp edge and a gap. I thought that maybe part of the molar broke off. It turned out that it was just that, a gap with a sharp edge. So my Tooth Fairy smoothed it out.

Went to SuperValu afterward and picked up some veggies. I’m gonna try and go veggitarian until Kevin gets here. Just 2 more months and I get to see him, be with him again! The wait is already unbearable. … I’m going veggie to clear out the body. A “cleanse” if you will. I just hate using those terms. All the fashionable hippie hipsters throw around these terms as a fashion statement which demeans them. It all becomes pop culture rhetoric. … To save money as well. Veggie whole foods bought lose/bulk is rather inexpensive. … Meals are going to be boring for the next 2 months, but OH MY GOODNESS will the meals Kevin I have be sublime and divine!

I did sit out in the sun for an hour or so. Still didn’t account for the day being lost.

Really that was it! Next thing I knew it was after 6pm! Had to take Sprite out for another walk, make some food and eat. … Didn’t do any admin, computer, social media work work … Now I’m just sleepy and want to take a nap. Which I think I’ll do when I’m done with this …

This past Saturday, I got word that one of my long time students past away with cancer. You see, once a student always a student. Even though I hadn’t seen him in over a decade, he’s still a student. Last 5 yrs he’s been on pallitive care. He was a remarkable person …

… I’ve lost count … Just in the last 3 years, so many people …

… Well, I wasn’t in any good mood. I got through classes. … Had a perspective student come in. Young chap. He seemed really enthusiastic, but the school is sooooooo small. There was only Stephen and Emma in class. These young guys, they want a high energy class with more than 2 other people. They want the compeition, they want the peer pressure … I hope he does come back, but I’m not hopeful. … I was going to go to the pool, but needed to go and pick up some yoghurt for Sprite … With the mood I was in, I just lost focus… Wandered around … Went and got photos of Kevin printed out. I’ve been wanting to do that for awhile. … Finally got the yoghurt then realized how late it was and decided that there really wasn’t enough time for me to go for a swim, so I just went home. My mood persisted and I wanted pizza, so I said “fuck it” and through diet and dicipline out the window, and went to the Maxol down the street to get a frozen pizza. They only had cheese pizza. Bleh. Ended up spending twice as much and go a spicey Italian at the Subway next door. … Maybe it was all the bread of the sub, or maybe it was my mood? Probably both, but I crashed hard. I fell asleep in my chair, woke up just long enough to write the my post, then fell right back to sleep. At some point I made it upstairs and crawled into bed.

I woke up at 6am and wrote a message to Kevin, then again, fell asleep until 11am. Dragged myself out of bed. Had only 2 hours really to get Sprite settled and things put together for the Repair Café. I managed to get it all together, went up to the community centre and the doors were all locked! Ugh! Series of phone calls and emails ensued, but it wasn’t necessary William had already planned to come by and open up the place. We were just early. … Honestly, I can’t Thank the Lough Community Centre enough for allowing us to have our Repair Café event at the centre for free.

The Repair Café went very well! Some of the college kids from that class Erik and I did the improptue presentation/QA so that they could create a logo for us, showed up with things that needed to be repaired. It was fun to have them there! One of the things I really wanted to accomplish with the Repair Café was to create it for the younger generation, their generation. They are the ones that will carry on the tradition. They are the ones that will overcome the “throw away culture” and make repairing things the “go to”, the norm. Really, it’s my generation, that screwed thing up in the first place. …

After the Repair Café, I did nothing … Just watch YouTube this and that. Dosed off here and there. … This listless meloncholly … Wanting to be proactive, but there’s always an excuse. Waiting to get motivated … Waiting for inspiration … I miss my sense of humour … I miss my witt …

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22 Mar 24 Coyote Jibberish

March 22, 2024 at 11:55 pm (Coyote Jibberish, Hodgepodge, My Own Private Train Wreck)
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Well, still here waiting for my life to get started …

It’s tiresome when auto-pilot is the most engaged you can be … And it’s not even by choice … It just is …

I planted some Irish new potatoes today. Alina, 3 doors up had extra and gave them to me. Dug up some worms in the process for the Lough Down Community Garden.

Sprites paw is a little better. She’s not limping, but she is being ginger with it.

I had to make another appointment with the tooth fairy. Another chunk of the tooth he re-filled yesterday fell out. … Back in my early 20’s a filling fell out. I was a poor poor college student with no insurance of any kind, so I didn’t do anything about it. next thing I knew, I was in so much pain, and was put on percoset! Yeah! Oxy! I couldn’t afford to do anything but have it pulled out! I still can’t afford to have it replaced. So now, I go in whenever I have even the slightest suspicion something might be wrong. Better to deal with it sooner than later!

Did 2 loads of laundry. I put them out on the line twice! It was a sunny day so I thought it would be safe to do so. But then the skies turned dark and the wind kicked up blowing in the rain. I ran out and got all the clothes off the line. As soon as I did, the sun came out. I waited for the 2nd load to finish, and put them all back out on the line. Then again, the skies went dark and the wind kicked up blowing in the rain! I managed to get the clothes off the line and back inside before they got soaked. Of course the sun came back out again, but I wasn’t going to put them back out. They were mostly dry anyway.

Nurse Jody finally called me back! I told you in yesterdays post how I’ve been trying to get a hold of Dr. Bambury about my CT & MRI that I had back in February. Well, the good news is that I’m still cancer free! And Dr. Bambury is happy enough to be done with me! So now it’s just Dr. Waters my surgeon and Dr. Murphy my GP that I keep in contact with. So, yeah, yay …

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21 Mar 24 Coyote Jibberish

March 22, 2024 at 12:19 am (Coyote Jibberish, Hodgepodge, My Own Private Train Wreck)
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I’ve been watching all these videos on YouTube about happiness, and burnout and anxiety and emotions and nightmares and knitting and natural ways to get rid the of dark circles and bags undr my eyes … I’m desperate to find some inspiration … To find some wonder …

I’ve had to make a lot of huge life changing decisions these last couple of years … It’s becoming relentless … I’ve had to be brutally honest about my sitution. More so about who I am, how I feel and think. … I’ve touched on it many times before without fully admitting it. … I’m burnt out with everything that I do and all that I am. … I am lonely…

I saw my GP yesterday. I hadn’t seen him in a few years, possibly 5 or so! I didn’t see him at all during my cancer treatments. I’ve been trying to get a hold of my oncologist. I was suppose to have a follow back in February, but I haven’t even gotten an appointment. I had my CT & MRI done back in February, but haven’t gotten the results back from it. I’ve been trying to get a hold of Dr. Bambury or anyone on his team for the past several weeks, but I keep getting a recording and having to leave a message. Dr Murphy made a few calls on my behalf and ran into the same problem! … I’m concerned that the cancer might be back. I’ve said it in previous posts. Recently, I’ve been having the same aches and pains that are associated with the cancer. … I don’t think I can bare going through the treatments again if it is.

I keep thinking of Kevin. I love that man so damn much. …

I went to MTU after my appointment with my GP. I had thought that I was going to meet with a couple of students who wanted to make up a logo for the Cork Repair Café. It turned into an impromtu lecture/presentation to a whole class! … Finally, my babbling had some use …

This morning I went to the dentist. A filling fell out last week. This morning was the earlest they could fit me in. All my old fillings are 40+ years old now. There isn’t much these days that still work after 40 years!

After my dentist appointment, I got my hair trimmed up. It’s been over a year since I cut it last. And that was the after chemo cut, where I cut up real short. After a year, my hair is still thin. It never fully grew back.

Sprite paw is still sore. So no walks for her today.

At about 3pm after staring into the computer just scrolling, I finally called it. Just gave in and said committed to doing fuck all for the rest of the day and night …

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18 Mar 24 Coyote Jibberish

March 18, 2024 at 9:57 pm (Coyote Jibberish, Fitness Fight At 50+, Hodgepodge, My Own Private Train Wreck, Rant)
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Frustrated. Anxious. … I can’t focus … It’s the same old damn complaints. … I feel icky, gross and fat. … I’m fatigued. So tired all the time. Hungry but not wanting to eat because I feel fat. Or eating for the sake of eating. … I’m cold … “Just do the damn thing!”. I keep screaming to myself; “Just do the damn thing!” … Still I just sit and stare aimlessly into the computer screen, scrolling through Facebook watching endless videos of rescued dogs being nursed back to health. … Is it depression? Anxiety maybe? My ADHD? I’m I sick again? Is the cancer back? Why have I not recovered? It’s been 16 months since my last chemo cycle! Why am I so fucking tired all the time! … My ankles hurt. It feels like someone is stabbing them with skewers every time I take a step. Is it gout? Did I break a bone without knowing it, because of the neuropothy? … I look in the mirror and my face is sagging. It looks as if it’s melting off my skull. My hair so thin and frizzy … Sprite hurt her right front paw. Or is it her shoulder that she’s been having trouble with. She’s limping on and off. Do I take her to the vet or wait it out? … How am I going to pay my rent in Jun, July & August … Or even in September … I can’t afford anything … Kevin is coming here at the end of May for 2 wks. I want so much to wine and dine him, so that his first experience of being in Ireland and in Europe is a great one. But I can barely afford the accommodations. … It would be a whole different story if I only lived in a proper place where there was a leaky roof, or creeping black mould. Where the stairs to the bedroom isn’t a glorified ladder. I would save over a thousand euros … He would too … Why is everything right at my figer tips, but still out of reach … It’s cruel …

… Maybe I just miss Kevin …

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4 December 2020 = Covid-19 Blitherings Of A Silly Middle Aged Woman

December 4, 2020 at 6:48 pm (Covid-19 Blithering, My Own Private Train Wreck, Rant, Sprite Of The Cork Marsh)
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I didn’t take Sprite out for her walk this morning. I got up at around 8am, and Sprite had snuck downstairs at some point during the night and got up on the futon. As soon as I started down the stairs, she jumped off and came up the stairs while I went down … Ah, she’s clever alright! … I went to the loo, washed my hands, and they froze in the morning cold. I began to change into my day clothes and then using Sprite’s earlier avoidance of me as an excuse to go back to bed, because like before, it would be a struggle to get her out for her morning walk.

At about 9am, I still wasn’t ready to get up and face the world, or the cold … or my life … So, Ricky was good and took her out …

I spent the whole day in my pajamas. … I want to escape, I want to run and hide. No matter how much I protest, no matter where I go, people feel that they need to … ugh … I don’t care … I don’t care … I don’t care … So I don’t want to hear people and business complain about how much business they are losing or how awful it is for them that they can’t go and have a pint at the pub or that they had to wait 2 hours in a line, or they’ll have to tell Jesus that we’re cancelling his birthday because not all the stores are open so they can’t do all the Christmas shopping…

My classes resume tomorrow…

I’ll give it a few more days before I talk about the events of last week that has put me into to this anti – family, anti-Christmas spirit stuper… It’s handy, the stat page here on Word Press. It tells you what country the people who view your blog are from and whether they are a Word Press Reader or referred from Facebook. So far this week I haven’t had anyone from Ireland view my blog. … Scratch that. … On Monday there were 2 … It might have been a couple of friends that I know who went searching because I had not posted on Facebook for a few days. But just in case, the people involved if they go searching, they will most likly do it on the weekend… I’ll carry this for a while longer and wait them out …

And that’s about all I can wrap my head around today … I baked the sourdough that was proofing overnight. The scoring came out looking like a Japanese Forrest Spirit. It made me giggle… It was nice to giggle.

… I showered, cleaned out the wood burning stove, and then started a fire for the night … Writing this now, and will get back to knitting my ugly blanket and listening to my audio book …

6 deaths and 265 cases confirmed

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