I‘m not suppose to feel like this. I’m suppose to be happy. I have a dog that likes me. I can start the school back up in 2 weeks. The back garden after this weekend will finally be almost the way I want it after 13 Summers. … I have a roof over my head, and food on the shelves … I even have a little bit of money saved up. Not much, just a bit. … I’m suppose to be happy … I have a boyfriend, … though he’s annoyed with me most of the time… I can’t seem to get it right … There’s no 2nd chances, no margin for error, no slack, DO NOT ask for clarification. … You have to have it perfect first time out. NO SMILING! … I’m suppose to be happy … Maybe it’s something I ate, or have been eating. Maybe it’s because I haven’t slept in so so so …. so long… Maybe it’s because I’m 49 years old, fat and always tired and achy. … And so very lonely …
I miss the mountains. I love Ireland, but every inch of this Island has been explored. But there are places up in the mountains no human ever set foot in. Except for me of course. After a few days you smell like the woods, you smell like murky water, and rocks. You’re breathing coordinates with the movements of the wind, the leaves, the earth … Everything around you becomes familiar and comforting, like coming home… And just like that, you ARE part of something so much greater than yourself … It’s not a want, or a longing, or a search, … you are …
I went through the day without thinking too much or accomplishing anything. Took Sprite out for her walks, go emails done. Did more of the back garden. As the Covid-19 restrictions are lifted, though we are still in just phase 2 more and more people are wanting to meet up. But they want to meet up when it’s convenient for them. No compromising. … I wonder why they bothered to ask?
“Hey, we should meet up for a coffee!”
“Yeah! That sounds Great! How about tomorrow afternoon?”
“No, can’t do that.”
“How about the next day?”
“Nope.”
“Next week?”
“Busy all next week?”
…
I never take it seriously when someone we should meet up without giving a time of when to do so and are not willing to negotiate.
But I wonder at all if anyone knows that the pandemic is still here. It hasn’t gone away. The all powerful “They” are saying that a common steroid can be used against the virus. It’s not that I’m wondering why they didn’t think of it earlier, because frankly speaking, neither did I. … But I just wonder if they had looked into medications that treat the symptoms for asthma? This virus is a flu that attacks the respiratory system, and asthma is a respiratory disease, so can their be some cross over?
My mind is wandering and and I’m babbling. I’m painfully sad, and so unhappy … I’m feeling so very foolish for thinking that getting a dog will keep me from jumping down that dark and familiar rabbit hole that is so very inviting right now… Sprite will be OK … All the people that I know, and that know me will be OK. …
There were 4 deaths today and 16 new confirmed cases of Covid-19. There are now a total of 1714 deaths and 25,355 confirmed cases here in Ireland.
***WARNING! I’m being very matter of fact & cavalier about some very serious issues in this post. It is not an invention for pointless criticism or condemnation***
I was hoping to start this at mid day, but it was yet another warm sunny day in Ireland. Somewhat annoying, but I dealt with it OK. It’s this kind of weather that turns everything into a quagmire of swirling, “ah sure whatever…” Even more so with the lock-ish down, thought not many people seem to adhere to it these days. I secretly want the lock-ish down to last longer. I’m not looking forward to chasing down a weekly paycheck, or pretending to be the positive cheerleader that everyone expects of me.
… Now don’t go and tell me that it’s OK to have a bad day, because I know that already. Of course you are allowed to have a bad day! It’s just that you are just not allowed to show it, or people will see you as being weak, or look down on you, or use your bad day to assert their dubious Facebook guru-isms right up your ass…
… That’s not the point I’m making though… What I’m saying is that after 48 years 11 months and 28 days I think I’ve finally somewhat settled into a life of sorts. A lot of that comes from Sprite. Yeah, I know … I’ve only had her a week now, but for the last 5 nights I’ve been able to sleep through the night, which I haven’t done since the early months of Dodger. I haven’t self medicated with Netflix and whiskey, I’ve gotten up at a reasonable hour in the morning, got exercise, and I’ve said it before, I haven’t thought about getting hit by a bus …
… You might ask, why getting hit by a bus … Well, if you slash your wrists, or take pills, then it’s like you gave up, you lost. What do they say in all those adverts? “He/She LOST the battle with depression” … You get hit by a bus? Not only do you end your suffering, but absolved from all your shortcomings! … So yeah, I don’t just walk out into traffic anymore because I don’t want Sprite to get hit, and she needs to be trained to stop at corners and wait for me to say it’s OK before crossing the street…
… I don’t know if I’m there yet in wanting to “hold it all together” again when things start back up… I could really use a couple more months of this Covid-19 lock-ish down…
I wish the Dean would get back to me about my re opening the school proposal… I want to get started on getting the word out…
… I have a birthday this coming Saturday … 49 … I don’t have any problem getting older. It doesn’t make much difference to me how old I am anymore. I do have a problem with what I’ve accomplished in those 49 years … The list to too short for my liking … And why is it that everyone has an opinion on how I should celebrate my birthday … and that I have to celebrate it… I can’t get it across to people that all I want for my birthday is a quiet day and night to myself and Sprite. They all think I’m lying. That I’m only saying that to save them the trouble of throwing me a party, or baking a cake that I’m allergic too, or polka dot party hats… They don’t realize that I know they just want to have an excuse to throw themselves a party or go out drinking with the space aliens that live next door. They also don’t realize that I’m fine with them using me as the excuse! Sure whatever floats your boat! I just don’t want be part of the celebrations … Why can’t they all celebrate my birthday without me? …
… To add insult to injury, after being coerced into whatever they have planned, because I don’t seem to get drunk regardless of how much I drink, I end up being everyone nanny. Making sure they don’t get into trouble, that they get home safe, and that they throw up in a bucket or curb and not on the shoes of a guard/police…
I actually don’t ever remember a birthday where it was really just celebrating my birthday? My birthday was always a side dish to the main course. My dickweed exe, goodness … The last birthday I had with him, he was relentless about asking me what I wanted to do for my birthday. I’d tell him what I would like to do and he would say how we couldn’t do that, or how he didn’t want to go through the hassle of driving to Boulder to go to the James (Irish Pub) just off Pearl Street. Finally I said why don’t we go down to that British pub in downtown Denver. He grumbled. He made some calls to some friends, and the next thing I knew we were having a combo birthday dinner with another friend at a family resturaunt down the street.
… AND what is it with people anyway? Always asking what do you want to do or want on your birthday? It’s the same shit for Christmas too… You can’t say to them that if they don’t want to take the time to get to know you to find out your loves your hates your interest are so that they can come up with something special for your birthday then don’t bother. … No you can’t say that…
… This Saturday, Ricky insists on celebrating my birthday by inviting a couple of his friends over for drinks and a card game… Please don’t get me wrong, I love love love these guys, but as this scenario always plays out, I’ll be working & entertaining other people celebrating my birthday…
Sprite is Wonderful! We’ve had her a week now. She’s a goofy dog. You would have never thought that when we first met her. So so so sneaky and clever! We’re trying to train her that there are outdoor toys and there are indoor toys. She’s very good about keeping the outdoor toys outside, but not so much with indoor toys indoors … Or so we think. You see, she likes to get a hold of your shoes or slippers. She doesn’t rip or tear them, so there’s no damage. She just likes to mad dog them and bring them outside and puts them in a pile.
So what she has figured out is that she will either get Spike or Grover, her indoor toys and head for the door. She won’t run. She walks slowly making sure we can see her. We tell her “No!” or “Drop It!” and she does. We’re thinking that the job is done and go back to what we were doing. While she quietly slips out the back door with another one of our shoes. What’s even more Amazing is that we are on to her, we know that she is doing this, yet still our shoes are pilled up in the back garden! We can’t scold her or discipline her because we can’t seem to catch her in the act. She’s so damn clever about it that you nearly want to give her a medal and praise her for it!
I think starting next week we’ll get her use to being in the house alone. We’ll start with 15 min and move it up to a half hour and so on. I am a little stressed out about her training. I feel that I only have a month to get her fully socialized with people and trained in every way. If ever I hear back from the Dean and he accepts my proposal, I’d be back teaching classes. Ricky will be back to work as well, and even though we will be in and out through out the day, there will be times that Sprite will be home alone for maybe 4 hours. … So so much to do in the next month …
There were 9 deaths today and 46 new confirmed cases, making it a total of 1639 deaths & 24,841 confirmed cases of Covid-19 in Ireland
The 3rd Coyote 