Just Let Me Be…

Today is Poo Woo. In the Vietnamese tradition, though I think it might well be a long lost one.  Poo Woo is the 5th day of the 15 days of the Vietnamese New Year – Tết Nguyên Đán.

Yes! It’s 15 Days! 15! Not 7 to 9 days which you might see on-line somewhere. 15 Days. In 2020 it started on Sat. 25 Jan and it’s celebrated up through the Lantern Festival on the 8th of Feb 2020! There’s a possibility,  I might be the only left that remembers 15 Days Of  Tết…   You observe different traditions with each day. For example on the 13th & 14th  days you fast on rice congeé and prepare for the Lantern Festival. How can there only be 9 days if you have to fast on rice barf and prepare to burn stuff during the Lantern Festival? See? You can’t! It’s 15 days! …

… You may have noticed that is isn’t going to be the “Happy Go Lucky, Here! Let’s see if we can shove a little more sunshine up your arse! Happy New Year’s” post…

OK… Let’s get on with this …

Again Poo Woo is the 5th Day of  Tết. On this day you stay home. You reflect on the year that past and contemplate on the year to come. This is the day that the Kitchen God comes by and determines how much wealth to bestow on you for the year, or burn your kitchen down… You don’t leave your home, because you want to be present when the Kitchen God arrives. So here I am once again, at home, believing that the Kitchen God, if there is one, hates me so much that he couldn’t even be bothered to burn down my kitchen…

“… You have to think about all the things you like, and decide whether they are worth sticking around for. And if they are, you’ll find a way to do this. …”
~ Rube “Dead Like Me

… This is what I’m struggling with during this Poo Woo… I’m reflecting on how not just the Year of the Earth Pig, broke me beyond any reasonable repair, but how all the flea ridden animals in years past have systematically buggered me into a heap. Everything I want to write next just sounds like complaining & whenging that will ultimately come to absolutely nothing, so I won’t and you can use your imagination … The whole contemplating the year to come? Phuc! Let’s face it folks! I’m no phoenix! I’m not rising from these ashes or any other  ash pits for that matter! Because I don’t want to! Many of  things that I like are so far out of reach there’s no chance … no chance … And the ones that are in reach,  are not worth sticking around for…

My last WordPress blog post was about this same shyte that I’m trying to write in this post and the same damn things that I’ve been writing over and over again, but just in a slightly different way in hopes that someone will actually get what it is that I’m trying to convey, but no one really ever does.

I will bet you a dollar to a doughnut that after I post this there’ll be someone who, not fully reading this, will jump to some notion that they, in their self proclaimed finite wisdom, are going to be my savior, my beacon in a time of darkness. They will recycle some Facebook rhetoric about new beginnings, open windows, closed doors, poop on the sidewalk, or some misguided light at the end of  a sewer tunnel. They will shove it down my throat until I choke and concede out of duress. They will do this not for any real compassion for me and my malady but simply for their own selfish reason to feel high and mighty, thinking that they saved a soul today.

Oh and lest we forget… OK… You’ll need to have Carly Simon playing in the background for this … There will also be someone who will think that this is some kind of passive aggressive slight against them. …

So how do I put this, how do I write this, how do I convey my Poo Woo Revelation? My contemplation of the years to come isn’t good. All I can see is my lonely self struggling and working fallaciously until I die cold, bitter and homeless. So why bother?

…AAAAND here is where people feel like they need to intervene … Where the rhetoric begins, where hurt begins, or begins again.

It’s not going to help. It’s not going to change my mind or the way I feel. It’s not what I want. It’s not why I’m writing this. I don’t want people to feel bad because of my misery. I don’t want people to hijack my misery so that they can feel that they are a better person. I don’t want people to tell me that everything is going to be OK. I don’t want people give me advice, or tell me what I should do because I have done damn near everything… Or  berate me on how I perceive my hopelessness.

I want people to let me be miserable, I want people to let me be angry, lonely, and everything else that comes with this … whatever it is… Don’t take it personally, don’t be offended. Just let me be … Please

day2

 

One Train Car Wrecked … Maybe …

Oh bother … my New Year’s Resolutions … Actually I haven’t done so bad. I have stuck to my diet  & schedule for the most part and am seeing results! My “fat pants” have now returned to being my “fat pants” instead of my “everyday pants”. Although we still have a ways to go, my husband and I are talking more. We’re on good road I’d say. I’ve been working on my Wei Gi (GO). Started on a new site & I think that I’m actually improving! Though my rank (rating) has gone down. I’m almost finished with one of my artsy fartsy projects that’s been 7 years in the making. I’ve finished reading “The Hitch hikers Guide To The Galaxy” and am starting on my 2nd book which I can’t remember the exact title (I’m too lazy to go upstairs and look) but it’s one of the Moomintroll books. I’ve certainly been training for my test, and I have a flight booked to Boston this June. But then there’s that one … *sigh*…

#3 on my 8 resolution list … Let me restate it for you:

“3) I want to write. I have loads of short story ideas and loads of partially written stories. This year I will post at least once a week here on WordPress. I will also complete at least one short story a month. If anyone had any ideas of where I can send them to or recommendations of how to publish or where to find info on how to publish please let me know. I’m not looking to make money out this. I just want to write and it would be nice to publish.”

Until now I have not typed a single letter in this regard. So what do I do? Give it up? I’m not one to just give up, but how do I make up for the last two months? I could start over, but how do I justify doing that? … OOoooOOOooo … I think I have an idea …

Right now we’re in the middle of Tết Nguyên Đán, the Vietnamese New Year. There are 15 days Tết Nguyên Đán. Every year I do my best to observe as many of the traditions I can. I mean, I am half Vietnamese after all? So how about this, my Tết Resolution is to do #3 of my New Years Resolutions? Wadda ya say? … Yeah? … Yeah? …