17 June 2020 = Covid-19 Blitherings Of A Silly Middle Aged Woman

Why am I feeling so worn out!? Mental, emotional, physical fatigue. …

I had the day to myself more or less. Ricky was at his Folks home trimming trees and widening the pathway in their back garden. … I should have enjoyed the day more … I was up before 8am and out walking with Sprite at The Lough by 8:30am. When I got back, Ricky was getting ready to go to the Folks home so I stayed out of his way and waited until he left. Had myself a quick breakfast of eggs and toast that I shouldn’t be eating, before going to Con’s to get the veg groceries, leaving Sprite at home alone for about 40 min. … She did fine… That little journey seemed to take so much out of me. I was falling asleep on my feet. I took a nap for an hour. Then I got up and left Sprite at home alone again for about 2 hours as I walked down to Lidl, then SuperValu to get the rest of the groceries. Afterward, I went out back to do work on the garden but just fell asleep in my chair. Came back inside and took another nap for another hour or so…

Got up and took Sprite out for her afternoon walk … She did Great! Is it pride? It doesn’t seem right to say that I’m so proud of her and her progress … It’s more of a blissful relief. … She spent the whole time in Tory Top Park off leash, never running off, or going too far before checking back with me. I was nearly in tears when she walked with an older couple as if she was their dog. For a nervous dog that is skittish around people, I was amazed! …

… When I came home, I couldn’t bring myself to do any computer work, or train, or do anything. … I just felt weak and overwhelmed … I just laid down on the futon and snoozed for the next 2 or 3 hours, until Ricky came home. … He didn’t have much to say about his day, and I didn’t have the energy to drag it out of him and be entertaining… I got myself together and took Sprite out for her evening walk, and again she was Great! Again, off lead up at Deerpark. She ran, and ran and ran… She’s SOOOOO Happy when she can just run … I’m happy for her and soooooo envious

I went out back again just to sit down in my chair and try to breathe. The sun was setting and the gray houses behind us glowed with soft orange and reds … I remembered the dream that I had last night or this morning. It was like the sequel to the one I had awhile back with Sprite herding all my friends and family who were all complaining about me. And me going off into the mountains with Dodger and Nigel Benn – my dog and cat that had passes away, years ago… In this dream, I stood and watched as Sprite herded each person off to a better place, until there was just Ricky. Ricky was saying out loud as he wondered around the field, how my diets always fail because they’re too severe, and how I shouldn’t do this, or should do that, this won’t work, that won’t work … Saying how I don’t appreciates all he does around the house … Criticizing me because I’m not up to date on who’s who in Hollywood or how I’m don’t want to listen to the news telling me how awful everything is … Relentlessly saying how horrible people are and how they are purposely “blanking” him, or trying to knock him down … Knocking him down from what I wonder? … Sprite came over to me, ears flat as if she did something wrong. She looked confused. I gave her a hug, scratched behind her ears and told her; “There’s nothing more that you can do Sprite.” … The sun was setting, and the mountains glowed with soft orange & reds … It was so peaceful … With Nigel Benn sitting in my backpack, Dodger on my right, Sprite on my left, we turned toward the mountains and walked …

There were 3 deaths today and 8 new confirmed cases of Covid-19.
There is a total of 1710 deaths,
and 25,341 confirmed cases here in Ireland.

20 May 2020 = Covid-19 Blitherings Of A Middle Aged Woman

I’ve started writing this post too late … My head is spinning in one direction with a bunch of angst or perturbation over a long time gripe that may or may not be warranted. But it still grates. …  My head is spinning in another direction with anxiety over my school and the lack of any interest and/or response from current students and perspective students. I don’t think I have a school to come back too in July when I can start up some incarnation resembling a Shaolin martial arts class … My head is spinning in yet another way over the excitement and dread of  Sprite finally coming home tomorrow at 11 am!

I have a scheduled text to Brian for 9am. I gave him our address and directions. But then I  asked in the nicest way I could if he wouldn’t mind dropping  Sprite off just up at the green not more than 50 metres from the house. … It seems so impolite and rude. Just like before, I don’t want Sprite to associate the house and back garden with Brian. I think the transition would be easier for her. That she won’t be trying to find him. The 2 of them became so very attached. I nearly feel bad, like I’m taking her away from him like some evil stepmother.

I was thinking of the dream that I had on Sunday? … I did wake up with the longing and feeling that it was time to go, as in I was longing to meet up with Dodger & Nigel Benn who have passed away now for 10 & 20 years ago, and head to the hills as in die, knowing that Sprite will take care of my friends.  But now when I think back on it, remembering how all my friends except Aaron, that Sprite herded up were complaining about me. I’m thinking now that maybe, deep down inside, I feel that Sprite will take care of all my problems, and I will once again feel happy & free again like when Nigel Benn or Dodger and I were back country hiking in the mountains. …

My Good Friend Kat made it clear that I was to adopt Sprite. She knows my history and she reads my blog. Maybe not all of them but she does read a few. I wonder if she felt that I needed to, for my own sake more than Sprite’s. There were loads of families lined up to adopt her, and as another Good Friend more or less, said that Sprite will be happy regardless, because DAWG will make sure she is adopted into a good home. … To be fair, ever since I started on this campaign to adopt Sprite, I haven’t thought about getting hit by a bus. Where before it was constantly weighing on my shoulders.

…The all powerful “They” say that the dogs we rescue actually rescue us. I’ve always had issue with that that sentiment. I find it rather selfish to  adopt a dog to save yourself. It’s not at all altruistic as most people are made to believe. And here I am, adopting a dog to save me …

11 deaths and 64 new cases confirmed toady.
There have now been 24,315 confirmed cases of COVID-19 in Ireland & 1571 deaths

 

16 May 2020 = Covid-19 Blitherings Of A Silly Middle Aged Woman

Again, I couldn’t bring myself up to go down to the hall and make videos for social media. … Or for my students for that matter …  This morning I could feel my fat rolls in my back when I stood up to look out the window to see if it was a sunny or cloudy day. … I think I barfed a little in my mouth when I did.  I just laid back down into a tight fetal position cursing my shape. It was overcast, so I was also cursing myself for purposely missing an opportunity to get training done as well…

… It was 7am so I managed to fall back to sleep and had another weird dream. I was standing out in a beautiful meadow that had grass and wild flowers up to my knees. Snow capped mountains behind me, and turquoise lakes in the distance. The colours were so vibrant, and the warm air smelled like jasmine. Dodger, my dog was at my side standing with me and Nigel Benn my cat was peaking out of my back pack. I hear barking, and then coming around the bend is Sprite herding all the close friends that I remember. … My Brother, and my Nephew. Laurie, Aaron and his girls,… Ricky and his family too. They were all complaining about this and that, except for Aaron … He was just happy looking around. And except for Aaron, they were all complaining about me. Particularly saying how disappointed they were with me. Sprite got them all rounded up in the meadow. She turned to me and in my heart I knew that she would take care of them. So the 3 of us turned around around and headed into the mountains … I woke up at 10am with a longing and feeling like it was time to go…

… I spent the rest of the morning tending to the garden. Freakin’ gray aphids nearly took over my crazy cabbage. So I went and cut all the branches off that had them on it and threw them into Lillians garden. I know that sounds horrible. But there’s nothing for them to eat over there other than the cabbage branch they were on and they would be exposed to the birds. They’ll either dye off or get eaten up.

Still trying to keep to my feeding schedule, I made my dinner at around 2pm so that I would be finished eating by 3pm. Even though it was overcast it was still nice enough to sit outside and have my dinner there in my chair… You can hear all the birds … Love the birds … Imelda May was on the Late Late Show last night and she performed one of her … “talking songs” .or “speaking songs”… It’s that just a poem? … Anyway, it was about being in lock down, and the line that I remember went something like ‘… go sit outside, you can hear the birds again because the traffic is down …’ I try and go outside every day. I hope that it’s quiet so that I can hear the birds. … and the bees,… and the spiders as they scuttle around. … The slugs as they chew away on the leaves … Gosh they’re loud! … Today, one of the woodpigeons finally felt comfortable enough with me to land in front of me and peck away at the food I left it. I think it was Harriet. Oh and the tits too! They landed on the bird feeders just up behind me to the right, paying me no never mind…. The bees were practically landing on me. A bumble bee bounced off my head. I saw Ethel Mae and Charlie, a pair of black birds. I haven’t seen Ethel Mae in a while. I suspect that she is between clutches … I wonder if all this will change when Sprite comes. … I suppose it will… It will take some time for the birds and bees to feel comfortable zooming, fluttering, and feeding when she’s around..Maybe because I’m there, the transition will be easier.  …

WE MEET SPRITE TOMORROW AT 2PM! I’M SO EXCITED! Gosh I hope she likes us! Avril called me today, to see if we met yet. I told her that we will tomorrow. She’s getting a lot of applications for Sprite and she doesn’t know what to tell them. So I’ll call her tomorrow as soon as I know if Sprite like us or not…

I spent the rest of the day and night making face masks. My landlady said that if I made them, she would sell them. So yesterday I managed to find at Aldi a king size duvet cover set. The pattern is terrible. It looks like a throw back from the 80’s. But it was 100% cotton and I needed to make some viable prototypes, the fabric stores are not open. So, I got it. After my dinner and sitting, I went upstairs and started making the face masks. The real time eater isn’t the sewing part, but the cutting and folding and ironing. When I got one done, I brought it over to my landlady so that she can see what it was that she was going to be selling. But damn … it turns out that all her methods fell through. Many of the markets & boot sales that will be opening up on Monday will only be accepting food vendors. She’s not a food vendor. She was hoping to sell them there, and now she can’t. Now I have an ugly king size duvet cover and a couple of cut up pillow cases….,

I was hoping to make some money off this. You see, I’m really good for business ideas. I’m really good with running a business. But I am the worst salesperson. I couldn’t sell water in the middle of the desert! But my landlady can sell ocean water to a whale! … It would have been a Great match! So, what do I do now? … Well, I decided to keep the ugly duvet cover. It couldn’t be any worse than the century old one that we have now, that Ricky brought from the home when he moved in. … I think he had it since he was a kid?… Anyway, I’m keeping the cover, and went ahead and made 3 more from the pillow cases, and then another 8 for tomorrow…. Yeah! They were BIG pillow cases! I’ll see if I can sell them for a 5er each. … They’re selling some in the Quay Co-Op for €15! I think mine are better, but I don’t see anyone buying one for more than a 5er! There are so many tutorials out on how to make your own face mask. Even instructions on how to make a face mask out of an old sock…. I certainly won’t make my fortune on this because everyone will be making their own soon enough…

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More and more people are starting to protest the lock down, that just doesn’t make sense to me. There is a clear and distinct plan on when and how the restrictions will be lifted.  If they would just be patient, then we would be out of lock down soon enough … They’re idiots … A friend, that I never met in person, but I love her still, Christian in I think Kentucky said an old phrase that I long forgotten; “… Send them to school, and they’ll eat the books …” I love it!

There have now been 24,048 confirmed cases  and 1533 deaths in Ireland

25 April 2020 = Covid – 19 Blitherings Of A Silly Middle Aged Woman

2:34 PM GMT:

I woke up at 9 am, and just stared out the window until nearly 11:30 am … I mulled over the dream I had. Trying to figure out why I was dreaming it. It had Kevin in it. I’ve carried a torch of varying sizes for Kevin all through Jr. High, High School, College and even now… It was a big convention of some sort with lots of people, and this was the big banquet part. I saw Kevin at the door, I went to him and we hugged. The 2 of us have been to this banquet many times. We usually sit together but not always, and there wasn’t any obligation to sit together at this banquet. We parted ways and milled around the banquet hall. I met another man that I was at this banquet with a few times before, and sat with him when I didn’t sit with Kevin. I didn’t sit down with this guy, but instead started walking around the banquet hall again, when I noticed Kevin looking rather upset. I went over to him and asked; “Why so sad?” He got up from his half eaten meal of prim rib and something very green, … I think it was a steamed artichoke … and started pacing … I was so confused … I thought it had something to do with the other guy, that I now realized was Kevin’s best friend. So I fumbled around trying to explain that I only sat with him at this banquet when we were not sitting together. That I wanted to sit with him all the other times, but didn’t want him to feel obligated to do so … He stopped pacing and said to me in his most beautiful baritone voice; “It’s the ultimate bond” … I woke up confused and feeling like I just fucked up…

It was a right strange dream, because Kevin and I never, … I’m not joking here … We never had a conversation in person. We’re Facebook friends and at times have commented on each others post with such magnificent intellectual prowess & wit, that you’d just cream your shorts! SPLUSH! … OK, I’m being crude …

Kevin and I are both adults. He knows about the torch I’ve been carrying for him all these years, and we laugh about it. I’m not pining, and neither one of us are in pursuit. It’s fun, carrying the torch, and dreaming about all the “what ifs”, but that’s where it ends … Still,  what did I do to mess it up? I’m so confused? … It’s just a dream, I know that, but why did it leave me feeling like I fucked up?…

11:40 PM GMT:

Apart from mulling over the dream I had this morning. I had basically a bleh day. It was OK. Went for a walk with Ricky to the Lough, then got chicken over at Super Valu.  I have potatoes growing in a kind of round rubbish bin out back. The sprouts seemed to have grown a good 6 inch overnight! So I dug up some more compost and covered them until just a few leaves stuck out. I keep doing this, then by November I’ll have a whole barrel full of potatoes. I wouldn’t listen to the news and ignored all the posts about Trump and him shoving disinfectant sunshine up everyone ass. I finished my accounts! What a relief that was. I still need to fill out the UP1 AGAIN, because Intero missed placed it, or lost it, or used it for toilet paper, or whatever.  So I’ll get that done tomorrow, and the whole package will be ready to turn in on Monday. Tomorrow, I’m going to make some cookies, and another loaf of sourdough bread …

There are now 18,561 confirmed cases and 1063 deaths in Ireland

19 April 2020 = Covid-19 Blitherings Of A Silly Middle Aged Woman

11:37 AM GMT:

The Irish would call this a “soft day” … I love that description!

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It just means that it’s a quiet rainy day. And it being a Sunday and in lock down, it is so Wonderfully quiet! I was up at 7am this morning. I just laid on the futon that sits under our front window with some blankets. I cracked the window open so that I could smell the sweetness of the drizzle and feel the freshness of the unassuming breeze. I drifted in and out of here and there. Even had a little dream that I had adopted 2 blue and white Staffies, I couldn’t get the one staffies name right, but the other was named Scout. And Scout was a super hero! He would run through bad guys with likes of comic book Batman, with a POW! And SLAM! He would run up buildings and jump from  the roof and land with a huge CRASH! Leaving a blacken crater before running up to my side, and sitting at attention like a GOOD BOY! … I did that for a good 3 hours, and to my surprise, I didn’t feel guilty at all!

staffy

It’s Sunday, so I think I’ll make some sourdough, and there are some cookies that I’ve been wanting to make for a while now. … I have to get my accounts done … I have my 2019 VAT & TAX to do … I know, I don’t have to have that in until October, but I have the time now. I also have to prepare the spreadsheets for the 2020 VAT & TAX … Though I suspect that it will remain for most part blank …

OK… Maybe I’ll start with the sourdough, and then see how far I’ll get, because it really is a beautiful soft Irish morning!

8:14 PM GMT:

Well, I got the sourdough done. I was worried, because it didn’t seem to rise very much, but it still came out fluffy enough. I think I just  didn’t make enough dough for a large loaf. I did skimp a bit…

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I also, got the cookies done, but they turned out more like mini tarts, or tortes.

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I tried to surprise my guy with one and a cuppa, but it was too close to dinner time, and he was thinking more about dinner than an afternoon snack. I had to finish stuff up in the kitchen, so he had to wait a while before going in. He enjoyed it while he waited to make his dinner.

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11: 23 PM GMT:

I didn’t get to my accounts … I think I’ll plan for those on Tue & Wed … The day started off OK. It was so nice in the morning with the soft rain and the quiet … My live in was even being respectful and wore earplugs while he was listening to whatever he was listening to on the computer. But it kinda fell apart in the evening. There was some world wide concert performed from the “artists'” homes. My dearest pulled out the earplugs thinking that I would like to listen as well. … UGH! … Between poorly performed factory manufactured songs was some announcement of Covid-19 Corona Virus Covid-19 Wash Your Hands Stay Home Don’t Touch Yourself Don’t Touch Other People Social Distancing  We’re The Most Affected No We’re The Most Affected  Do Your Part We’re In This Together Be Compassionate Be More Compassionate If Your Heart Doesn’t Bleed Like Mine Then You’re Just A Phuc Nut Sitting On Your Couch …

The peace that came with the quiet of earlier hours … gone … I put in some earplugs, but with my sensitive, dog whistle hearing ears, the 27 dB reduction just wasn’t enough…

There are now 15,251 confirmed cases and 610 deaths in Ireland

Dream Of Flood Red

It was a couple weeks ago. I wasn’t sleeping well. Got up several times, to pee, to get some water, to pee some more… When I got up for the day I was exhausted. I read some facebook messages, answered emails, made a cup of tea and sat down on the futon…

I had left my tea in the kitchen, so I got up and went into a high school music band room…

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There was a work table at one end with noise cancelling head phones. Band practice was starting soon, & I had to edit some music, so I decided to use them. I put them on and the tech guy told me to start counting. With each count I felt my chest tighten. … 5, 6, it felt like someone just jumped on my chest.

“Too much! Too much!” I yelped. And the tech guy backed off, and I could breath again.

I was actually suppose to practice with the band. But there was a substitute band  conductor today that just walked through the door, she looked just like Jackie Onassis. Soooooo, it was OK for me to leave and retrieve my tea from the kitchen.

2

The sliding doors in the kitchen opened up right onto a beach, where the tide was coming in.

I looked away through the window on the opposite side of the kitchen. There was an white alpaca, not a llama, a white alpaca stuck in a snow drift on a hot Summer day. There was a Latino man hacking away at the snow, and it looked like it was hacking away at the alpaca. The alpaca broke away and leaped over to 2 young girls buying snow cones from a vendor. The alpaca knocked the 2 girls down and chomped on the snow cones. A voice over shouted “There’s no stopping him when he wants his ice cream!”

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I looked back at the beach, but the tide had come in and was about  to flow into the kitchen. I closed the sliding doors and called back to some unknown place; “Dad! The Flood is coming!” I wasn’t scared, or worried. Just tired & fatigued. I sat down next to the window and looked out onto the flood that had reached the window sill. The sun was setting and the flood turn blood red. I sighed a very heavy sigh.

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1pm and I’m woken up by my Love. He tells me that I asked him to. Ah, right! I have to get ready for a job I hate. …

Today, while at that awful job, I take a moment to look at my Facebook feeds. … Interesting, a Florida’s toxic red tide is decimating their population of sea turtles…

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Then I remembered my dream…

I Won The Lottery!

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I WON THE LOTTERY! … No I didn’t … It was the  Connolly’s in County Down.  €130 Million Euro … So of course, to help me work through my grief of not winning and knowing at this point in my life the fact that I will ever win anything more than €2 on a scratch ticket, I’m going to tell you what I would have done if I won 130 Million Euro.

  1. Well yeah I’m gonna pay all my bills and pay off all my debt… (€129 Million)
  2. I want to give money to the Cork Life Centre ( https://corklifecentre.org/ ) I was, and maybe still one of those kids. I hated school, esp high school with a passion. I even dropped out for a semester, but was forced back. I worked my ass off to graduate on time. All on my own with no help from anyone that you would normally depend on. Cork Life Centre is grossly underfunded and those kids are well worth every effort (€127 Million)
  3. I’m very detached from my family back in the US, as in we don’t interact. After my “Mother” passed away and I gave up my 40% of  the inheritance to my Brother, he would send a Christmas card with a photo of my Nephew every year now. Regardless of all that has happened. He is family, and my Nephew, isn’t part  of all our drama. I would want my Nephew to get along in life. So I would give him in a trust fund of some sort of a million euro. But he can only take out $50K a year for 20 or so years starting on his 25th birthday (€126 Million)
  4. I want to give money to Cork Penny Dinners. ( http://corkpennydinners.ie/new-about )  I’ve been there. Not having my meals there. I mean I’ve been there where I was so strapped for cash for so long, food became a luxury. Where the only morsels I ate for days were the free samples given out at various grocery stores. If only I had a place where I could sit down and have a decent meal with no questions asked. (€124 Million)
  5. I want to buy the buildings down on the corner of Vicars Road and Poulladuff Road here in Cork City. It’s where there was a furniture store, and before that was a carpet store and a Tile King.  I want to turn it in a recycle, upcycle, re purpose, fix it don’t bin it, learning old trades, do it yourself workshop area. The idea is to have trades people, like electricians , carpenters, etc… there to help you fix your own broken stuff or re purpose your unwanted stuff. For example you might have a chair that your dog chewed through the cushions. You can take the chair in and  not only will someone be there to show you how to reupholster it, but you will have to tools and supplies to do it with. There will also be space for you to do it yourself if you already know how. It will be a where you can learn to spin wool into yarn or have cooking lessons! Where craft groups can get together & be creative. Anything goes really. I would put it all in motion and then donate to Cork Environmental Forum to manage if they want. (http://www.cef.ie/ )  (€115 Million)
  6. This is a big big one. I want to start off by buying 20 houses in Cork City. Fix them up so that they can be rented out to homeless families. Here’s the hitch: Each family would have to agree to participate in this community.  These families all have skills and talents that they can contribute. Maybe one was a legal assistant, another a plumber, another a tailor/seamstress. They would all have to volunteer their skills to the other families in this community. Each house would have a garden to grow their own veggies. Each house would have some sort of renewable energy source and water collection. There will be a doctor, accountant, gardener, electrician, plumber, carpenter that would be on retainer to call into the homes when needed. The families will pay for their own utilities. The rent would be calculated per month as such: €30-€50 property tax, €100 to me, €250 for the trades, €100 invested back into the community to expand. So rent for these families would range from €480-€500 per month. Now that’s only a super duper rough outline. But I would have enough money to give it a go… (€100 Million)

OK… After all that, It will leave me approx €100 Million to still do whatever the hell I want. … I think I will go to one of my favourite coffee shop and get a large Americano with a deep kiss of honey. Sit next to a window and just watch the world go by for the whole day!

Oh, She’ll Figure it out

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Needless to say I did not sleep well…

2 long days of anger, frustration, and utter disappointment. Managed to resolve a couple of issues and was looking forward to a proposition of solace. But the proposition bailed, and I went to sleep once again angry, frustrated, and utterly disappointed. I went to sleep in a place I did not want to be.

I know I was dreaming, but don’t remember the first 2. Just that I woke up screaming twice. The first time, I screamed “GEEEEEET OOOOUUUUUT!”, the second “STOOOOOP!”

…The 3rd one I remember to, to well…

I was bound, gagged and shackled, then beaten by every person I knew that I let within 2 steps of me. I was dragged by a chain around my neck to a cave with a shallow pit. My best friend said to me; “You don’t understand what really matters. I only want you to be happy.” Then proceeded to throw me into the pit in the cave. My boyfriend looks over the edge and says that he’s going to chill out on YouTube. People  start gathering in front of the cave. “Oh, she’ll figure it out.”  They tell each other; “So just push the button” …

There was and explosion and the walls cave in …

I woke up kicking and punching the walls of my room …

We All Live In A Sinking Submarine

Maxtrova

It’s not a reoccurring  dream, but it’s one that sticks in my head especially now that I’ve been ambushed and the rug pulled out from under me…

I’m sitting in the window of my apartment on the 33rd floor. The world is flooded and the water has been rising slowly for several years. I can see that the water is up to the 24th floor. I think to myself that I only have a few years left before I will drown like everyone else below me. I am safe for the moment, warm, and dry. I’m so exhausted though. I just barely made it out of a sinking submarine. Myself and several others went below to find a way to stop the flood. But our route took us too close to a building and it tore open the sub. I managed to maneuver it to the roof top of another building where everyone was able to swim to safety.

Now I sit on the window exhausted looking out on the water that is ever rising. I get a phone call on an old land line phone. “We need you to go down again. You’re the only one who can pilot the ship.” I am safe, warm and dry and I want to say no. They tell me that they’re sending school children down. I am safe, warm and dry and now I can’t say no. I’m the only one who can pilot the ship and they’re sending children down. I have to go. I have to.

I’m on the submarine and the children are playing. I’m taking them down so that we can find a way to stop the flood. They call down and say that I have to take the same rout as before. “It’s too dangerous! There’s a safer way!” I beg them. But they don’t hear me. They tell me that I have to take that rout or they will launch a missile and blow up the ship. I tell myself that I can do this, I’ve done the rout and know the dangers. I steer the ship. They launch they’re missile anyway. I maneuver the ship and just miss the missile. The blast of the missile hitting the building near us throws us into another building. We’re stuck. Water starts draining into the cabin and the children are huddled together scared and looking to me to say what to do next. I close my eyes and think that I could have been safe, warm and dry …

Hagridden

I’ve been hagridden. With the same one. Well I say the same in that it falls along the same lines. There are no monsters, killings, tortours, rape, ghost or demons. And yes, yes, I’m talking about about nightmares. This re-occuring nightmare is simply me walking though a door, or waking up, or looking away… I’ve had it since I was a teen, long before Star Trek, Next Generation’s; “Inner Light”… It’s a nightmare that wakes me gasping and bewildered, begging to fall fast asleep again in hopes to regain all that I lost. I spend the next several days weary of every doorway, cautious when I turn my head, fearful to sleep at night for what I may wake up too…

The heaviness, the weight, the desperation that constricts my breath, my every thought eventually fades.  Then a few months will pass and in my sleep I dream of a life that is full of joy & happiness, full of love and contentment, full of mystery and adventure. Always, there’s that one person, some times male, some times female, that I share it all with. I don’t remember much, a large cable spool table that we used for the kitchen table, milk crates with homemade pillows on them. A mattress that laid on a throw rug with a handmade quilt in the corner of a studio apartment. We were poor. Dirt poor! We didn’t care… I was always in school working on one degree or another, they were always working some blue collar job. We scrimped, scrapped & saved, we took great joy in the simplest things and more often than not we preferred them over the decadence of what’s normally recommended… We loved each other, …*sigh*… oh, did we love each other… They would call to me from the hallway to help them bring in the groceries, or a noise, a sound would catch my attention and I look away. I can see them in the hallway and I walk through the door … I glance away …

…There I stand in a posh new condo with all new shinny appliances, and furniture. An unattentive partner hunched in front of a 72” screen, and the keys of a brand new Boxstar Spyder in my hand. I panic, I run through the door, but it’s all the same. I squeeze my eyes shut and open them again, still it’s all the same. I look at my partner in front of the screen … nothing, a stranger. … I can’t go back … It’s all gone, ‘they’ are gone … I wake up …

One of the more recent times I had this nightmare, I was asleep on that mattress. In this dream it was a ‘he’ that came to wake me up to give me a cup of tea. He gently shook my shoulder but I didn’t wake. I didn’t want to. I knew that if I woke that all of it would be gone. In my mind I begged him not to wake me up. I told him that I won’t remember anything about him if I did. He kept shaking my shoulder and I kept begging. When I felt myself waking up I did everything I could to remember everything about him. All I could wake up with was that he was younger than me, had curly black hair and deep blue eyes…

I had this nightmare again a few days ago. A few days earlier I was head hunted for a job. It was a managers position of a whole department, in an industry that I never wanted to work for again. The kicker, however, was that it paid 65K a year. I probably could have negotiated up to 75K. I was good at that line of work, really good! And I hated myself for it. I knew just how stick that knife in without them even knowing it and get a whole array of desired effects. I could even twist it and have them believing that they were getting a deep back message. I could find the slightest loophole and spin anything in any direction imaginable… I still had principals, a code per say. I was fired from 2 jobs because I wasn’t willing to amend them.

I’m scrapping by being self employed right now. Other than a pesky student loan of some too many years, I owe nothing. I don’t own property or a car. I’m not famous but I’m known in the community and they support me and what I do… And I love what I do! LOVE what I do … I have a roof over my head, in a country I’ve always dreamed of living in. I have a bed to sleep in, food for the table, and clothes to wear. My time is my own and with a bit of careful planing and saving I can travel and experience world! … I am poor, and to introduce another component, my husband is, well, not around. But despite my lack of money and husband I do so enjoy my monastic life!

I take this job and all of this is gone. I can’t do both and there’s no going back. I will, however have 75K a year. I may even gain some respect from my husband? Maybe he won’t be so embarrassed by me, or resent me? He may even be proud of me. … Is it worth it? … I have a couple of short comings but I have a treasure chest of nearly everything I’ve ever wanted. So, do I walk through that door, do I look away, wake up to 75K a year?

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