Another Blog About “What The Phuc Do I Do Now…”

“… Now every dream gets whittled down, just  like every fool gets wise…”

~ Middleman by Bright Eyes

… I swear, I must be the wisest fool out there! … And how many times have I said that…

I’m done know. I have no more dreams to whittle down, and this fool is as wise as a fool  can be.

I’m nearly 50 years old, and there are dreams that I know will never happen. I will never  be an Olympian, or an astronaut, have a wedding or go on a honeymoon. I will never have a family of my own, and sadly, I will never own my own home. I will rent or be homeless until Zuker-nutz deposits his entire fortune into a high interest, liquid money market, off shore account with my name on it. The list goes on … and on … and on … Don’t bother  blowing all those dubious Facebook mantras of how it’s “not to late to live your dream” up my arse. There’s no more room!

…*sigh*…

I’m too choked up to even write about this… I’ve been sitting here in front of the computer for hours now. … I’m out of breath, it’s so hard to breath thinking of it … It running through my head right now, over and over again all the times I’ve come so close, so damn close but had to give it up…

… I just tried to write the list, but it just kept going on and on and it just sounds like some old coot dithering  about all the couldda woulddas …

We all make sacrifices, we all make the decision to do one thing or another. My story isn’t any different than yours, or yours, or yours… BUT I SO WANT IT TO BE! Then I will have every reason, to feel as horrible as I do for giving my very last …  Shoot I can’t even say it…

…*sigh*… OK…

I gave up my life, albeit a crappy life in the US to come to Ireland at the time with my then boyfriend, then suddenly husband, now known as “dickweed”, to open a martial arts school. When things got tough he bolted in a very slow grand fashion. But I stuck with it. I kept the school going though all of dickweed’s sabotage,  through the politics and more sabotage of other schools, through hunger, sickness, and financial short comings. I gave up social … “stuff”… I gave up comfort. I gave up heat during the Winters. I’ll be damned if I was going to pay a penny more to turn on the heat when I can throw on another shirt and shiver in a dark corner in silence. Yes! Yes! A DARK corner, because I’ll be damned if I wasted a penny on a light when the glow of street light coming through the window would due! … I went through Hell, several times over … And I did it willingly … Because up until now, the humble re wards were so so soooooo worth it…

… For the last year and a half the school has suffered a massive string of bad luck & bad timing. The list is long for such a short time…

… I don’t think I can recover the school and get it back up on it’s tender and fragile feet… I’m burnt out. I’m broken. My aches and pains remind me continuously that I’m growing old. I don’t have the wear with all anymore. … 12 years gone with nothing to show for it. … This school was my Hail Mary to make something out of my life even though people only saw me as a thick martial arts instructor. … I was hoping that my life would have carried more substance …

If I close this school down, which seem inevitable. There will be nothing left. …

… So what’s the point?… I have no money, no family … Friends these days forget quickly and easily … No reason … No reason whatsoever …

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3 Comments

  1. Daina said,

    November 12, 2019 at 8:51 am

    What might look as a “Hail Mary” from one perspective might as well be just a stone dragging you down when you are made to be flying. I tend to think that if we love something or someone it is always our greatest treasure and the enemy.

    Whatever decision you might take on giving up the school or continuously searching another way to save it – I hope you will make this decision the right one with determination. Depression and a negative focus on “giving up” is never a good way. Even if “living a dream” is not something that is possible to achieve for everyone, “giving up” should be seen as “starting something new” by shift of perspective.

    You might disagree on above, but I hope you will always find yourself ❤

    • November 12, 2019 at 9:37 am

      Diana Thank You for your thoughtful comments. I do appreciate them. However you are right I do not agree. Unfortunately, I’m not in a place (on a bus) where I can give you a proper response worthy of your kindness. I will when I’m home on a computer instead of thumbing it out on my phone.

    • November 14, 2019 at 7:07 pm

      Hello again Diana! Hope you are well!
      The thing about Hail Mary’s is they either they work or they don’t. And at the moment it doesn’t look like this one is going to work. Granted it might still be too early to tell. Yes, “giving up” should be seen as “starting something new” but there lies the rub. For this “meme” to work you have to have something new start. I have exhausted all my new somethings to start. There’s this belief that when you’re on your journey to find yourself, that when you do you’ll find a beautiful enlighten being. Imagine the heart break when all we find is anything other than that. … There’s so much inspirational & encouraging talk and gibberish out there on never giving up, never say never, different perspectives, and the age old “… if you first don’t succeed, try try again…” Which is all fine and dandy, but what all this rhetoric might just be doing, is encouraging people to “beat a dead horse” … I have tried many many things. I have failed more times than I dare to count. I have looked at all the aspects of my life and failure from as many different perspectives that I can imagine. Now there may be a few that I don’t know of. But I am exhausted & broken. I don’t have to the wear with all anymore. So, we’ll see how this Hail Mary plays out…


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