Hagridden

I’ve been hagridden. With the same one. Well I say the same in that it falls along the same lines. There are no monsters, killings, tortours, rape, ghost or demons. And yes, yes, I’m talking about about nightmares. This re-occuring nightmare is simply me walking though a door, or waking up, or looking away… I’ve had it since I was a teen, long before Star Trek, Next Generation’s; “Inner Light”… It’s a nightmare that wakes me gasping and bewildered, begging to fall fast asleep again in hopes to regain all that I lost. I spend the next several days weary of every doorway, cautious when I turn my head, fearful to sleep at night for what I may wake up too…

The heaviness, the weight, the desperation that constricts my breath, my every thought eventually fades.  Then a few months will pass and in my sleep I dream of a life that is full of joy & happiness, full of love and contentment, full of mystery and adventure. Always, there’s that one person, some times male, some times female, that I share it all with. I don’t remember much, a large cable spool table that we used for the kitchen table, milk crates with homemade pillows on them. A mattress that laid on a throw rug with a handmade quilt in the corner of a studio apartment. We were poor. Dirt poor! We didn’t care… I was always in school working on one degree or another, they were always working some blue collar job. We scrimped, scrapped & saved, we took great joy in the simplest things and more often than not we preferred them over the decadence of what’s normally recommended… We loved each other, …*sigh*… oh, did we love each other… They would call to me from the hallway to help them bring in the groceries, or a noise, a sound would catch my attention and I look away. I can see them in the hallway and I walk through the door … I glance away …

…There I stand in a posh new condo with all new shinny appliances, and furniture. An unattentive partner hunched in front of a 72” screen, and the keys of a brand new Boxstar Spyder in my hand. I panic, I run through the door, but it’s all the same. I squeeze my eyes shut and open them again, still it’s all the same. I look at my partner in front of the screen … nothing, a stranger. … I can’t go back … It’s all gone, ‘they’ are gone … I wake up …

One of the more recent times I had this nightmare, I was asleep on that mattress. In this dream it was a ‘he’ that came to wake me up to give me a cup of tea. He gently shook my shoulder but I didn’t wake. I didn’t want to. I knew that if I woke that all of it would be gone. In my mind I begged him not to wake me up. I told him that I won’t remember anything about him if I did. He kept shaking my shoulder and I kept begging. When I felt myself waking up I did everything I could to remember everything about him. All I could wake up with was that he was younger than me, had curly black hair and deep blue eyes…

I had this nightmare again a few days ago. A few days earlier I was head hunted for a job. It was a managers position of a whole department, in an industry that I never wanted to work for again. The kicker, however, was that it paid 65K a year. I probably could have negotiated up to 75K. I was good at that line of work, really good! And I hated myself for it. I knew just how stick that knife in without them even knowing it and get a whole array of desired effects. I could even twist it and have them believing that they were getting a deep back message. I could find the slightest loophole and spin anything in any direction imaginable… I still had principals, a code per say. I was fired from 2 jobs because I wasn’t willing to amend them.

I’m scrapping by being self employed right now. Other than a pesky student loan of some too many years, I owe nothing. I don’t own property or a car. I’m not famous but I’m known in the community and they support me and what I do… And I love what I do! LOVE what I do … I have a roof over my head, in a country I’ve always dreamed of living in. I have a bed to sleep in, food for the table, and clothes to wear. My time is my own and with a bit of careful planing and saving I can travel and experience world! … I am poor, and to introduce another component, my husband is, well, not around. But despite my lack of money and husband I do so enjoy my monastic life!

I take this job and all of this is gone. I can’t do both and there’s no going back. I will, however have 75K a year. I may even gain some respect from my husband? Maybe he won’t be so embarrassed by me, or resent me? He may even be proud of me. … Is it worth it? … I have a couple of short comings but I have a treasure chest of nearly everything I’ve ever wanted. So, do I walk through that door, do I look away, wake up to 75K a year?

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2 Comments

  1. cinnabari said,

    July 15, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    For the stuff, eh. For the husband… sticky.

    • July 16, 2012 at 12:12 am

      Take the money out of the story … yeah, stuff is stuff, eh … I love what I do, why trade that in for something I hate doing? … Husband, yes, sticky … I don’t have his respect now, how is that going to change by me doing something I hate?


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